Church of England demands proof of moral failings.

The Church of England has taken the unusual step of suspending the Reverend Clive Gubbins, vicar of St. Effluvia’s in the sleepy village of Wallop-in -the-Mire, following his increasingly desperate insistence that he is not innocent of historical misdeeds.

Village Speaks Out

Rev. Gubbins, a mild-mannered man with a fondness for tea cosies and jam-making competitions, has been accused by the church of not doing anything bad. Local parishioners have rallied around the COE, repeatedly undermining Gubbins’s claims of past wrongdoing.

“I’ve been attending St. Effluvia’s for 40 years,” said Mrs. Doris Lunt, 78. “He’s never been anything but polite, caring, and helpful. Not once did he shout, steal, or give so much as a dubious glance at the choir boys. Frankly, it’s disappointing.”

Similarly, Derek Fadge, owner of the village hardware shop, confirmed, “I’ve sold him hammers, nails, and gardening gloves, and not once did he attempt to shoplift or mutter any sinister threats about children . It’s as if he’s never even considered wrongdoing. Disgraceful, really, he has to go.”

Desperate Plea

Faced with mounting evidence of his unimpeachable decency, Rev. Gubbins took to the pulpit last Sunday to insist, “I, too, am capable of the kind of moral failings you would expect of a flawed human being!” However, his attempts to cite examples fell flat, including an apology for “once coveting Mrs. Hegges’s victoria sponge recipe” and “accidentally leaving the church doors unlocked in 1987”.

The Church of England, taking no chances, has suspended Rev. Gubbins while he attempts to substantiate his claims of historical badness. A spokesperson stated, “The Church has very clear protocols: until Reverend Gubbins can prove he was, in fact, a bit of a wrong’un with at the very least, disturbing appetite for choir boys, he will remain suspended.

Cleavage Claims

The vicar, meanwhile, remains frustrated. “It’s infuriating,” he said. “These people insist I’m squeaky clean, but I swear on the almighty that I once broke out in a sweat when catching a glance of Betty Fox’s cleavage as she bent over to serve me tea at the village cricket match. I even accidentally said, ‘36D if I’m not mistaken’ when she asked the score”.

For now, the village remains divided. As Mrs.Fox summed up, “ I don’t recall that and anyway, I’m a 38D, so he’s just making things up to get recognition from the Archbishop of Canterbury. We just wish he’d own up to being a good egg and stop causing such a fuss.”