You’ve got to hand it to the Tories – only they could make a complete mess of tactical voting. Rumour has it that James Cleverly was the one most of them wanted, but somehow, the final showdown is between two of the nutcases who helped drive voters screaming for the hills. This must be a welcome sight for Keir Starmer, who’s taken to his new gig like a duck to the desert. Some say his mistakes have been minor, but failing to realise that the attack dogs would come for him like starving pit bulls? That’s a worrying level of naivety. Starmer’s been looking like a man who’s wandered into a battlefield with a rubber sword. Fear not, by engaging with these two freaks (Badenoch and Jenrick), the Tories have practically gifted Starmer extra time to get his act together.

Badenoch or Jenrick: Pick Your Poison

So here we are, poised to have a right-wing lunatic running one of the oldest political parties in the world. The same geniuses who predicted a Cleverly win are now saying it’s Badenoch’s to lose, so naturally, we’ll probably end up with Jenrick. If Badenoch does somehow grab the reins, Britain might just have its first ever black fascist Prime Minister. You’ve got to admire that level of absurdity.

Of course, she might not last five minutes, clearing the path for Jenrick – a man whose ideas sound like they were sketched out by a Nazi on hallucinogens. His track record is so full of vile, corrupt nonsense you could write a book bigger than War and Peace. He is a danger to any society that is making an attempt to be civilised.

A Far-Right Makeover for the Tories

The lurch toward the far-right cult is presumably their way of trying to win back the wide-eyed loons who’ve flocked to UKIP, Reform, or whatever dodgy pyramid scheme Nigel Farage is running this week. Apparently, they’ve done some back-of-the-napkin maths and reckon that if they pull in the far-right while holding onto their existing seats, they’ll sweep back into power. What they haven’t factored in is the loss of centrists who don’t fancy living in a society where rights and regulations are stripped away like a post-apocalyptic yard sale. Sure, the current legislation isn’t perfect, but if you think smashing up health, safety, and environmental protections while shredding workers’ rights is the answer, maybe lay off the Stella for a bit.

The Conservative Fear of Change

The irony is, plenty of traditional Tory voters are terrified of change. It’s in the name: they want to conserve. They cling to this delusion of a golden past, despite the fact that much of British history isn’t so much golden, more a rusty old pipe dream. Personally, I’ve always thought we’d be better off putting our energy into shaping a brighter future rather than harking on about wars with Germans and a solitary black and white World Cup. But if one of these two crackpots seizes power, it might be time to dust off those rose-tinted glasses and long for the good old days of living like Common People, Pearce’s penalty (the one he scored) and GQ Magazine.

The Beginning of the End?

There’s already a growing theory that Britain peaked somewhere between Euro ’96 and the London 2012 Olympics. In reality the decline probably started in 2008 with the financial crash, sowing the seeds for the chaos that led to Brexit, lunacy being normalised, and rivers so full of shit people are getting poisoned by tap water. But where does it all end? If one of these two gets their hands on power, Britain’s implosion should be complete by around 2033. By then, deregulation will have turned the country into a post-environmental wasteland, and pulling out of the European Convention on Human Rights will mean anyone who writes sarcastic blogs like this could be jailed.

They’ll sell it to the morons as an anti-woke crusade to silence folks like Carol Vorderman and Gary Lineker. But it’ll be far worse than just gagging a few celebrities. It’ll be about corrupt billionaires laughing all the way to the bank while they torch whatever’s left of the country.

But hey, who needs rights and regulation when you’ve got a nice cold pint and a bit of Blur on the Alexa?