In a move that has shocked absolutely no one at the Red Lion, local legend and self-proclaimed football tactician, Big Mick, has announced his application for the England manager role, vowing to replace the outgoing “Wokegate” regime of Gareth Southgate.

Bar Mat Manifesto

Big Mick, who has spent the last three decades propping up the bar at the Red Lion after an 80s career of crunching tackles in Sunday League matches, believes he’s the man to bring true English grit back to the national team. His manifesto, handwritten on the back of a beer mat, outlines his bold vision for England’s footballing future.

“First off, I’m getting rid of all this woke nonsense. No more rainbow laces or kneeling. This is England, not some sort of social justice club for wokes,” declared Big Mick, gesturing emphatically with his pint of lager. “I’ve got the spirit of St George running through me veins, and I’ve got three lions tattooed on me chest – literally! No one is more qualified than me.”

Proper Footy

Mick’s footballing philosophy centres around what he describes as “proper footy”: hard tackles, relentless aggression, and a distinct lack of anything resembling finesse. “Football’s about crunching tackles and hoofing it up the pitch. None of this tippy-tappy crap. I want the lads to play with the same passion I showed when I broke Big Dave’s ankle in the pub league final back in ’89.”

The self-styled patriot believes his anti-woke stance is exactly what the team needs to recapture former glories that didn’t exist. “Southgate’s too soft. Wokegate, I call him. All this hugging and positivity, it’s not what made this country great. We need to bring back the spirit of Dunkirk – grit, determination, and a good old-fashioned stiff upper lip.”

Patriotism

Mick’s grand plan also includes a heavy dose of patriotism. “Every player will get a St George flag in their kit bag, and we’ll sing ‘God Save the King’ before, during and after every match. We need to show these smelly foreigners that we’re better than them – always have been, always will be.”

In a final, impassioned plea, Big Mick turned to his fellow Red Lion patrons for support. “Lads, if you believe in a stronger, prouder England, then join me in my campaign. Together, we can put the roar back in the Three Lions and make England feared on the pitch once again.”

Surprise Application

As the pub mumbled with people saying, “Yeah, Big Mick for England, that’ll sort it” one couldn’t help but feel that the FA might be in for a surprise when they receive a beer-stained, slightly crumpled application form with the words “Big Mick, England Manager” scrawled at the top.

Whether the FA will take his application seriously remains to be seen, but one thing’s for certain – Big Mick has certainly stirred the pot at the Red Lion, and perhaps, just maybe, within the hallowed halls of English football.

But probably not.