The Conservative Party have set out plans to end the child poverty crisis with a new think tank headed by party chairman, Jacob Rees Mogg.

‘Birch them and Work them’ is an audacious plan that will force children under the age of 16 to work for their food and end the childhood poverty crisis.

End of Workers Rights

With the imminent end of Workers Rights as we exit the EU, the plan is to reduce the UK working age to four years old. Think tank member, Iain Duncan-Smith, believes that by doing this, child labourers will be able to feed themselves. They will also pay directly into a state pension that they will be able to claim when they reach one hundred.

“We have spunked all the taxpayers money all over our mates at Serco, so this is, quite frankly, the best way to ease the so called child poverty crisis”, said Duncan-Smith, from his sprawling estate that has claimed millions of pounds of tax payers money in land owner subsidies.  

Somerset Dungeon

Speaking from his Somerset dungeon, Rees Mogg said there was absolutely nothing improper about returning to strong Dickensian values. “A world where manual labour should be undertaken from walking age, is perfectly sensible”, he said, frothing excitedly at the mouth.

PM Boris Johnson was unavailable for comment due to a prior commitment at a ‘Bridge to the Moon’ fund raising banquet, hosted by Russian oligarch and Tory donor, Sergei Knockemov. However, Number 10 has said the PM is encouraged by the potential return of 19^th century harlots in busty French dresses.

Child poverty activist and Manchester United footballer, Marcus Rashford, was also unavailable for comment. This, according to his agent, was due to spending the evening blocking tweets telling him to sell his cars and houses and shut up virtue signalling.

Next week: Time to Bring Back Hanging