Well, another year passes and some how the planet still exists. Every year seems to get more ridiculous. Amongst all fake news and bullshit memes, it is like being in a parallel universe where we no longer know what is real.

Politics

It was another cracking year in politics, with Theresa May finally falling on her sword after a host of defeats for her broken government. I was delighted to see the back of the ‘dancing queen’, not least because she reminded of my first junior schoolteacher, Mrs Leonard, a Victorian bible basher with a lust for hate.

However, the list of leadership candidates meant my joy was short lived. At one point, as the madness unfolded, it was the real life ‘Spitting Image’ puppet, Rory Stewart, who appeared to be the only sensible person in the room.

Stewart was soon ousted from the line up for telling the truth. It then came down to a one-sided race between Boris Johnson and the king of news presenter spoonerisms, Jeremy Hunt. All Johnson had to do is make sure he didn’t tell the truth. This proved to be no problem and the blonde bullshitter cruised to victory.

Subsequently, a series of crushing commons defeats left Johnson with no option to call an election; a dangerous move if he had an opposition worthy of the name. The problem is there wasn’t an opposition. The Labour Party went about their campaign with epic self-flagellation. They demonstrated that no matter how divided the Tories were, they could up their game and be equally at war with each other, if not more so.

We were in the unique position where the leader and the deputy leader of the party hated each other. Corbyn, a nice chap but no orator, somehow managed to make reasonable policies look ridiculous. As campaigning ramped up, both parties hid toxic MP’s from public view, including the Prime Minister himself. It appeared Johnson would have rather shaken hands with a leprosy victim than be asked questions by Andrew Neil. At one point we were even treated to the bizarre sight of him hiding in a fridge.

Labour took this disappearance technique one step further, hiding away the few of their MP’s anyone actually listened to. These included Kier Starmer who, one can only assume, was put in a satellite and sent into orbit for a few weeks. This was just in case he said something that made him look like a potential leader.

The media played a big part in making sure the perception of Corbyn was that he is an IRA terrorist, a communist, a Marxist, an anti-Semite a member of Hamas and worse still, the wearer of wonky glasses on a TV debate that might as well have been called ‘Politics Does the X Factor’.

Ultimately, the election was decided by our friends in the north. Torn between leaving the EU and remembering who turned their towns to rubble, it was a tough choice. Ultimately, they decided that after 10 years of Tory austerity, they had no alternative but to vote Tory; it was time for a change. The Conservatives romped to a landslide victory and Britain was finally united in the knowledge that sunlit uplands await us in 2020, especially if you have bet £1000 million on an economic crisis.

Sport

In sport, the young English football team continued to impress, at least until they played someone good. Hopes are high for a crushing semi-final defeat at the 2020 Euro’s, followed by England fans frantically trying to sell their tickets to the Wembley Final.

On the domestic front, Liverpool were chased down by a brilliant Manchester City side who completed a domestic treble. The reds recovered well enough to beat Tottenham Hotspur in one of the worst ever European finals in recent history. Mentally exhausted, Liverpool barely turned up in the final. However, they were fortunate enough to meet a Spurs side who, along with millions of TV viewers, spent the whole game wondering how on earth they had got to a Champions League Final.

In cricket, England won the World Cup on a memorable sunny Sunday at Lords. It was about as dramatic as an occasion you could imagine, going to the last ball of the super over. It was a moment where time stood still, and it took a while for the supporters to take it all in. This is England, we are just not programmed to cope with success.

An Ashes series followed, and England showed they could be as bad at the five-day game as they are good at limited overs cricket. This didn’t stop yet more Ben Stokes heroics, resulting in a status as a people’s champion and a BBC Sports Personality Award. This despite the BBC not promoting cricket for over 20 years. It was a remarkable turnaround for a young man who was universally hated after punching someone in the face outside a Bristol nightclub 18 months previously.

In tennis, we were treated to a gushing Andy Murray obituary at the Melbourne Open. This was after the Australian LTA took it upon themselves to decide he (Murray) had retired. This tearful tribute was somewhat ruined a couple of days later when a bemused Murray announced he was to have hip surgery and resume his career later in 2019. Doubles success and a singles tour title proved he could still compete but at what level, who knows?

In Rugby, England won the World Cup after beating New Zealand in an enthralling semi-final. Well, they didn’t win it actually. A comprehensive defeat by South Africa showed that there is no bigger enemy in sport than presumption. As a result, England fans had to content themselves with being the undisputed champions of Hubris, which was rather funny. The Japan tournament was a major success, but I still can’t warm to a game where the referee is called sir and players just accept bad decisions with a shrug.

In Doha, athletes who had trained all their lives to be World Champions, were roared home to success by a scattering of local construction workers. They were the lucky ones, rewarded with not getting killed by falling scaffolding, with free tickets. Doha, hotter than the middle of a McDonalds apple pie, seems a strange place to have athletics. A cynic might say there were backhanders involved.

In Formula One Lewis Hamilton was crowned champion again but I don’t really care, whilst darts and snooker also continued to claim they are a sport.

The Weather

It feels like the weather has been unremarkable in 2019. Statistics show that this is not the case. We witnessed the warmest winter day (21.2 c) in February, the hottest ever Easter and August Bank holidays, whilst just the other day, Scotland recorded the highest ever December overnight temperature in the UK (16c). As a result, NHS Scotland reported record December moonburn admissions.

Whatever the cause, the climate is warming at an alarming rate, but no one really cares enough to do anything about it. It is not helped by world leaders who dismiss it as fake news whilst the human race increasingly turns to bullshit memes and wacky conspiracy theories for their information.

We are living in a time where the number of people who believe the world is flat, is actually increasing. A time where bar stool story tellers are widely believed above scientists. There is a theory that capitalism has finally driven us all mad and we are not even sure if we actually exist anymore. Are we just part of a complex computer game like The Sims?

Roll on 2020. I would like to offer some sort of prediction, but I am buggered if I know what is going to happen.

Happy New Year.