I got butted by a cow on Stockbridge Common yesterday morning. It wasn’t that aggressive really, but it was, without doubt, telling me to bugger off. I always thought cows were friendly things until I googled “are cows dangerous”.

The answers were quite startling, with loads of reports of deaths and trampling’s over the last twenty years or so. If a herd rushes at you, let’s face it, you haven’t got much chance.

The Stats

The statistics I found were of 74 cow trampling deaths between 2001 and 2015. Given that was 4 years ago, it is likely that the tally now stands at around about 95. And there was me thinking cows are docile?

As ever, there is good and bad news in these statistics. The good news is that approximately 80% of the fatalities are farmers. Given that at least 50% of farmers are ‘Countryside Alliance’ wankers who smash the countryside to bits and shoot anything that moves, it is a kind of poetic justice.

The bad news (for me anyway) is that all but one of the non-farmer deaths involved dog walkers. This is because the cows see dogs as a potential threat. Therefore, the human with the dog is also a threat. Seeing this threat, cows will make a rush at you.

What to do if Rushed?

What do you do if you are rushed by cows? Well, after you have shat your sphincter inside out, it is important to stay calm. With 30 cows rushing at you, it is perfectly understandable that this is easier said than done. However, you won’t outrun the fuckers, especially if like me you are past 50 and you have kneecaps like digestive biscuits.

By running, you are going to worsen the situation and you will probably be dead within, for arguments sake, let’s say 15 seconds. Stay still if you can and they will leave you alone.

What about your dog?

Fuck him. He caused the life-threatening shitstorm you have got yourself into so let him get himself out of it. Dogs can easily outmanoeuvre cow and will always get away. Out of all the deaths involving members of the public, the dog has always escaped.

When it comes to athleticism dogs are better at survival than us humans. That’s why every year you hear about some mad fucker drowning after diving off Blackpool Pier in sub-zero temperatures to save his dog. Whilst the owner suffers a miserable death, the dog is generally back on dry land wondering what all the fuss about.

On a final note, this is worth remembering. Farmers, if they think your dog is annoying their cattle, can shoot it. Where I live in Hampshire, I have been told by fellow walkers that whilst most of the local landowners/gamekeepers are decent, there are two or three who aren’t.

They’d shoot a dog for the sheer crack of it.