An unnamed Conservative MP is thought to be the first to come forward and admit that he hasn’t been involved in an expenses or sex scandal.

The MP, who has served since the 1990’s, claims that he has been under pressure to come forward after turning down an offer to claim the interest on his mortgage as well as refusing to make lurid suggestions to his secretary.

Speaking in strict confidence, the MP told of his non scandal shame.

“I first knew I was abusing the Tory whip when a fellow MP from the Basingstoke area demonstrated to me how to falsify mortgage claims and I refused”, he said.

“Maria…I mean she…or maybe he actually, was furious, saying that I was showing disloyalty to the party by not making a claim on false interest payments”.

It got worse for the MP after it emerged he had employed a 58 year old secretary and failed to put his hand up her skirt or ask her to download him porn videos on her government laptop.

“I felt I had let the party down…they all expected me to employ an attractive and naive secretary straight out of college as they are easier to threaten but Brenda, (name changed) was a great typist and had an in depth knowledge of parliamentary affairs, so stupidly, I took her on”.

Storm Clouds Gathering: An obligatory dark looking Westminster picture

Despite being under pressure to resign, the MP has vowed to fight on and work extra hard to fulfil the expectations of the Conservative party.

Speaking outside his country home, with his bemused wife and Labrador standing by him, he carried a renewed look of steely resolve for the challenges ahead.

“The extension behind me is being put through MP expenses, Brenda has been fired and I now have a 25 year-old secretary who I have instructed to wear suspenders and buy my porn stash…I am determined to get this right”, he said.

Asked if any other MP’s were behaving like normal human beings, the MP was reluctant to elaborate.

“Most MP’s abuse expenses and junior staff, I have no doubt about that, but I can’t stand here, hand on heart, and say that there aren’t others who practice common decency”, he said wistfully.

Although the MP has received support from the majority of his party, some members are not so conciliatory, one being life member and Cayman Islands resident, Sir Cecil Dubious-Trouserstains.

“He clearly let the party down. By refusing to undertake mortgage fraud as well as employing a bland looking, and quite frankly, qualified secretary, is unforgivable”, said Sir Dubious Trouserstains from his luxury yacht named ‘Blatant Avoidance’.

NEXT WEEK: “MY TURNING UP TO WORK SHAME”.

An unelected peer tells us about the day he worked past midday without falling asleep.