Britain is bracing itself for one of the top 35 coldest spells of January weather in the last 35 years later this week as quite cold northerly winds normally associated with January are due to set in.

This January phenomenon could bring some of the coldest weather in the U.K. since last week and may, some forecasters suggest, lead to half hourly repeats on BBC News 24 featuring a montage of fuckwitts pushing a wheel spinning Ford Mondeo up a suburban hill, a child sledging in grey slush, and low level shot of a gritting lorry hurtling along the A34.

Neil Nottaclew of the Big Freeze Bullshit forecasting service, MetWrong, has issued an amber January weather alert, meaning there is now a medium risk of seeing a BBC or SKY news reporter pointing at the traffic below from a bridge over a dual carriageway near Huddersfield.

Snowmageddon: Britons face scenes like this later in the week

Meanwhile, the Met Office have issued their five day forecast, stating that a cold and wintry pattern is set to move down through the country towards the end of week but what with it being January, it is not particularly unusual.

However, Nottaclew, who has no experience of meteorology, was keen to dismiss the Met Office as “experts dealing in blatant facts purely to serve people who like things put into perspective”.

The Daily Express weather reporter, Nathan Rao, has distanced himself from the row, instead choosing to issue his forecast via NoddyMet.com, the unregulated weather service hosted by social inadequate, Will Wrongun.

Noddymet.com have informed The Express that ‘Thundersnow’ is likely strike Britain late on Thursday evening and we should all expect to wake up on Friday stuck on a glacier surrounded by polar bears.

NEXT WEEK: FEBRUARY SET FOR SOME CHILLY NIGHTS!