When I read about Olympic cyclist Lizzie Armistead yesterday, I couldn’t help wonder how she managed to miss three drug tests in a twelve month period, knowing that this constituted a potential four year ban.

Now, I am not qualified to say she may have been doping (she has been cleared to compete by a heavy hitting legal team) but if I faced my livelihood being taken away for four years because I kept missing doctors appointments, my house would be covered in post-it notes and all my phones, Ipads and PC’s would be ridiculed with reminders.

I am useless at remembering things but I wouldn’t miss three appointments in a year.

Forgetful: Lizzie Armitstead

When I posted this on Facebook, my friend Mark Privett, suggested that we might as well have a drug Olympics and after I stopped laughing, I thought, fuck it…let’s do it!

We can still have a clean Olympics for those who don’t want their hearts to explode, but either just before or just after the Paralympics, we could have a Druggylympics. I am convinced it would be a money spinner, and I know load of people who would be fascinated to see what biochemists can make the human body achieve.

We could even have different sectors like they do in the Paralympics, like a ‘recreational drugs’ 100 metres. “In Lane 1, representing cannabis, Stig Mouldy…in Lane 2 representing crystal meths, Mad Mike…in Lane 3, representing Cocaine, The Marquess of Blandford…in Lane 4, representing acid, Hippy Pete…. ”  

It would be epic viewing but I guess you could still have an issue with cheating, with someone like Dwayne Chambers entering the recreational event claiming he was only on smack, despite evidence of steroids.

However, any such problems could be ironed out by testing, with anyone ‘clean’ or taking the wrong drug type, thrown out in disgrace.

Meanwhile, over in the biochemistry section, it would be compelling stuff, with all sorts of performance enhancing concoctions going on in the form of steroids and fuel injected blood.

Who knows how much the body can take and if it is entirely voluntary, surely that is more humane than seeing a tiny Chinese girl prancing around a gym mat on a state controlled diet of steroids and one bran flake a day?

The Olympics is going to be stacked full of drugs cheats anyway, so lets get real and divide it up into three sections.

Olympics: Clean

Paralympics: Clean (with the odd gun toting South African)

Drugylympics: Filthy but entertaining

Let’s do it.