One of the key news items over the last week or so has been Donald Trump warning Americans to stay away from Europe and the UK, as it is just not safe.

Now that the threat of being killed in a terror attack is now at the same level as someone winning the lottery and celebrating by going to buy some fish and chips and getting served by Elvis Presley, I thought that it was about time we came up with a solution to get red-neck Republicans who have never left their own town, to visit the UK, despite the risk to their lives from Muslims.

I think, as a starting point, we need to rebuild trust with Trump by passing an emergency legislation that orders our supermarkets to sell hand guns and grenades.

That way commuters can travel into Heathrow, Waterloo or Kings Cross safe in the knowledge that they are well enough armed to shoot anyone with dark skin who is carrying a rucksack, thus eliminating any risk that the nine million commuters who travel into London every day are faced with.

To make sure that the users of these weapons are as highly skilled as our cousins across the pond, we should use tax payers money to open ‘Burgers and Bullets’ training camps in every county to ensure that our children can be come adept with the weaponry and as a consequence, shooting a suspect is almost instinctive.

To quash any fears that children might act out copycat mass High School shootings as seen in America every week (they don’t count as terror acts) we should train our teachers to use AK47’s to eradicate the problem before it gets out of control. We should also train school janitors how to use grenades in case there are a minority of teachers who get carried away in a pupil/tutor gun fight.

Once this legislation has got us back into a situation where we are once again safe, just like the USA, we should have a controlled repatriation of anyone who is a Muslim or has Asian skin and looks like he might be Muslim. We can do this by making them wear a star on their clothing before we send them to repatriation centres, preferably on the Isle of Wight.

The chances of dying in a terrorist attack has now dropped dramatically to just one in twenty-five million which means, terrifyingly, we are getting closer and closer to the statistics shown below.

• Odds of being an astronaut: 1 in 13,200,000
• Odds of winning an Olympic Gold Medal: 1 in 662,000
• Odds of becoming a President: 1 in 10,000,000
• Odds of sighting a UFO today: 1 in 3,000,000
• Odds of dating a Supermodel: 1 in 88,000

Chillingly, you are just fourteen times more likely to win a gold medal at the Olympics than you are to be killed in an ISIS attack, so Trump is right, we need to act and act fast by taking his lead and getting this country armed.

Alternatively we could call for a public holiday, put the bunting up, and have one fucking great party celebrating the fact him and his bunch of evangelical right-wing maniacs never want to come here.

I demand it.