For those of you who follow social media like Twitter or Facebook, you will have been informed that Britain is heading for its coldest winter for 58 years, which would make it colder than the one in 1963, when Britain ground to a halt for three months. Hmmmm?

Normally it is the Daily Express (courtesy of some fantasist weather sites) who spill the diatribe, but I notice that even the Daily Telegraph and The Independent are getting in on the act, virtually plagiarising the bullshit that alleged journalist, Nathan Rao, spouts from his rag.

Word soon gets around and on my daily dog walk yesterday, I lost count of the times that “how old is your puppy?” was replaced by conversations about polar bears invading Suburbia as Britain freezes until June. I exaggerate of course but you get where I am coming from.

So, this morning, to double-check that ‘snowmageddon’ or a ‘snowbomb’ was not arriving courtesy of ‘killer winds’ from the North Pole, I went on to the meteorological office website or what we commonly know as the Met Office.

The Met Office, which is packed to the rafters with the worlds most advanced supercomputers, perpetually states that no forecasting model can offer exact weather scenarios in Britain beyond five days. What it can can do is play a law of averages and offer possible scenarios for up 30 days ahead.

Veryweather.com, Metcheck.com and Exacta.com are not in the same league as the Met Office, so there is no point in reading the nonsense they spout and sell on to the Daily Express and other media outlets. They are just playing around with a host of unlikely weather scenarios and come up with one that is about as likely as me scoring a 50 ball century in cricket.

A regurgitated snow picture

So, if you are concerned about a deep freeze that will kill your parents and leave Britain as a Tundra wasteland, read what I have copied and pasted from the Met Office website to calm your fears; it will be cold next week, that was what winter was designed for, but it won’t kill you unless you slip over and hit your head on a kerb stone but that’s just bad luck really.

UK Outlook for Wednesday 13 Jan 2016 to Friday 22 Jan 2016:

A cold spell is expected to be underway around the middle of next week which will most likely last into the weekend across much of the UK. The weather will tend to vary day to day, with some dry and sunny periods, but also wintry showers which will occasionally merge to give longer spells of rain, sleet and snow. Snow will fall to low levels at times in the north, but also perhaps in the south too. Temperatures will be below average with widespread overnight frosts as well as a risk of icy surfaces. As we go through the following week it seems most probable that less cold weather will return as Atlantic weather systems try to move across the country bringing strong winds and outbreaks of rain.

UK Outlook for Saturday 23 Jan 2016 to Saturday 6 Feb 2016:

The strongest signal for the period is that generally unsettled conditions will prevail with winds mainly coming from the west. Showers or longer spells of rain are expected, interspersed by some dry and brighter interludes. The rain is expected to be heaviest and most persistent in the north and west where rainfall totals are likely to be above average. The south and east should be more sheltered, getting the best of the drier and brighter interludes, so rainfall totals here may by slightly below average. Temperatures through this period should be near or a little above average for most areas, but further cold spells are possible.

Updated at: 1234 on Fri 8 Jan 2016