Trying to understand all these different conflicts in the Middle East is like getting a copy of the Guardian cryptic crossword, translating into Russian, and finishing it in five minutes.

The first term I heard the term ISIS I thought it sounded like a bank or a pension plan, not the name of an organisation that was disavowed by Al Qaeda for being too extreme and brutal.

ISIS I now know, is the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant, not an investment bank and it first came to to the fore over the last couple weeks due to the sickening beheading of Western hostages who were either journalists or aid workers.

So here we go.

ISIs used to be Al Quaeda but they are not any more, in fact they hate them and kill them now. Their wish is to create Iraq or at least part of it and Syria into an Islamic state, they are not a recognised state but they have flags and that so they are having a right old go.

Assad in Syria doesn’t like them much either but he is not sure if he hates them more than America and the UK who hate him very much and can’t really fight with him when they had proposed to blow him up a year ago. Meanwhile Iran don’t like ISIS either but would find it impossible to fight with the infidel (predominantly the US and the UK) because they want them dead as well and the general feeling from the hawkish part of congress is pretty much mutual.

Meanwhile, waiting in the wings are America’s all important allies, Israel, who are more than willing to take some time out from de-housing Palestinian’s to use some of their £3 billion a year US aid to pour petrol on some fires…They can’t get enough of it and are second only to the Americans when it comes to pressing the launch button. Sadly, Britain have been going down the pecking since the heady days of Thatcherism, when everyone was a target.

Blimey, imagine if she was still around? Scotland would be getting annihilated as I speak.

It leads me to concur that the arms dealers must be wondering which way to turn for business but I guess if you are morally bankrupt enough to vendor weapons, you will go to the highest bidder, or a trigger happy rogue state who will pay cash in the hand…Though I am not sure America pay cash any more?

Earlier this week, I read an excellent example of Western double standards when it comes to human rights.

This true by the way.

President Obama recently and rightly, decried beheading as a “Bankrupt ideology which no God would stand for.”  Unless you are from Saudi Arabia of course, who must have a different type of God as Obama visited there earlier this year to “Underscore the importance of a bilateral relationship.”

You see, Obama was ‘underscoring a bilateral relationship’ with a country that has overseen no fewer than 113 beheadings in during the 21 months James Foley was being held hostage…Gosh, those Saudi’s have been a busy lot haven’t they…Well not really, it is a punishment they have always practised but it’s okay, they like us…Well sort of anyway.

Multiple public beheadings are all the rage in Saudi Arabia

Some might say that if Saudi Arabia want to use beheading as a form of crime solving, it’s up to them and the people of the land should know the consequences of the crimes they commit. The trouble is, they don’t know, as there is no set agenda of crimes punishable by beheading, it all depends on the mood of the man making judgement on that day…August was a particularly prolific month, with 19 people being beheaded between the 4th and 20th.

Call me Mr Picky but I don’t want to be part of a Western axis that is underscoring a bilateral relationship with a barbaric nation that beheads people for fun and leaves their headless bodies in public squares to act as a deterrent.

So anyway, we have a situation where ISIS who are, I believe, made up of Sunni’s are trying to create an Islamic state and the west are trying to decide who they can work with to overpower them. Assad of Syria doesn’t like them and he fancies a coalition to defeat them but the US and UK won’t entertain that, so they have suggested they might try and work with ‘moderate’ Syrian rebels.

How on earth do you find a moderate Syrian rebel?

“Good morning rebel, are you moderate?”

“Well, I would like to class myself as extreme actually… I love stabbing people.”

“Ah that’s a shame..Do you now any moderates?” 

“If you walk 20 miles across that way, you will find a little community of caves, with roughly 500 people reading the Peoples Friend and watching old episodes of To the Manor Born..they may be able to help.”

Check this out…It is estimated that Syria has up to a thousand rebel groups…Yes, I said a thousand. Finding a moderate one amongst that lot is liking going to your nearest haystack in search of a needle but to help you along, here are a few of the most prominent.

SUPREME MILITARY COUNCIL OF THE FREE SYRIAN ARMY, Martyrs of Syria Brigades, Northern Storm Brigade, Ahrar Souriya Brigade, ISLAMIC FRONT, Harakat Ahrar al-Sham al-Islamiyya, Jaysh al-Islam, Suqour al-Sham, Liwa al-Tawhid, Liwa al-Haqq, Kataib Ansar al-Sham, Kurdish Islamic Front, SYRIAN ISLAMIC LIBERATION FRONT (SILF), Ahfad al-Rasoul Brigades, Asala wa al-Tanmiya Front, Durou al-Thawra Commission, Tajammu Ansar al-Islam, Yarmouk Martyrs’ Brigade, National Unity Brigades, Al-Nusra Front, Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (Isis), Jaysh al-Muhajirin wa al-Ansar, Popular Protection Units (YPG).

All that I can grasp from that is that is they could make up a good game of Top Trumps.

“Ok…I’ve got sixteen beheadings…”

“Araargh you lucky bugger…I’ve got twelve!”

More fun than trying to do The guardian crossword in Russian I suppose.