A few weeks ago when I was in Turkey, my friend Kate and I got chatting to a lady from North London and when the talk of all these child abuse cases inevitably came up in the conversation, she claimed to be close to a legal team who were in the process of building up a case against child of God, Cliff Richard.

In fact she didn’t say that, she said it was 73 year old God bothering pop star who was currently out of the country, so neither Kate or I needed to be high ranking Operation Yew Tree officers to take an educated stab in the dark to come up with the name Cliff Richard.

I have had this sort of thing happen on holiday before, so I took it relatively  with a pinch of salt, in the same way as I did when my ex-wife and I met a character from Channel 4 drama, Shameless (I better not name her) in Nice, a few years back and were ‘reliably’ informed that David Beckham was a raging homosexual.

People tell these stories to link them with celebrity and satisfy there lust for name dropping (I hate name droppers, a subject I was discussing with the Queen just the other day) and most of the time they are not worth troubling yourself with.

However, this case was slightly different as, because it was a man who gives me the creeps, it was a rumour I was more than willing to circulate and, more importantly, it appears that the source of the information was absolutely spot on.

The initial allegation appears to be something to do with Sheffield United football ground, God bothering evangelist Billy Graham and a 15 year old boy, but after my tangle with a legal friend of MP Caroline Nokes, I am going to be careful what I say, because if he is proved not guilty, Cliff’s legal team will be all over blogs, Facebook and Twitter searching for people to sue.

They are just allegations…Repeat that Bob…They are just allegations.

I have major issues with people who hide behind charity or God to cover up misdemeanours with their sexual or financial affairs and Cliff Richard has almost forced God upon us and his niceness that has continually hoodwinked the middle classes of Suburbia, has always sent a shiver down my spine…No one is that nice, surely?

I think I first became aware of Cliff around about the time of his hits ‘Devil Woman’ and ‘Carrie’ and I was immediately struck, as a young boy, what a revolting character he appeared to be, though the punk rock influence coming from my elder brother may have stained my judgement…If Cliff was at one end of the spectrum, The Clash sat firmly at the other.

As the years went by and the hits became more and more vomit inducing, I couldn’t work out who despaired for more, Cliff, or the strawberry eating Wimbledon LTA types whose hobbies included reading the Daily Mail and throwing roses at the vehicle of a dead Princess.

Cliff at Wimbledon: For a laugh, look at the third comment down

It all came to a head for me when Cliff did an impromptu concert at a rainy Wimbledon, a day when any logical judgement I had about him went out of the window. It was such a toe snapping and excruciating experience that made me want him arrested and banged up there and then, with they key tossed in the Thames.

Cliff in my mind, is someone who exploits the innocent minds of middle England with niceness and a fear of God, it’s what Catholic priests did for centuries, using fear of damnation as a tool for covering up perversion….Allegedly.

Everyone of you reading this will have been in a position at some point in life where you dare not mock Cliff, as all of us know decent people who have know a parent or grandparent somewhere who owns a Cliff calendar and a back catalogue of his hits. That’s how people like that work…Creating a fear of asking questions (eg Jimmy Saville with charity).

If Cliff gets done, this will be massive, as it will tear the heart out of middle England.

I am going on assumption here, but the police would not dare upset a middle class institution if they did not have some pretty heavyweight evidence but for now, it is best to avoid trial by media as one word out of place can see you in the High Court.

The champagne has to remain on ice…At least on a temporary basis.