According to varying sources, there are 370,000 babies born in the world every day. Wow, that’s a lot of babies and a lot of couples rejoicing at the little bundle of joy that has arrived in their lives. The reality of course, is that many of them will actually be little bundles of misery born in to poverty, abuse and even starvation.

But let’s forget about them right now, as we have a new Prince to rejoice, a bundle of joy to bring the nation together in a unified celebration of our aristocracy. We have to celebrate you see, because if we don’t, we face the prospect of getting whipped into oblivion by a Daily Mail commemorative tea towel.

Many people seem to think that I am anti-royalist or even unpatriotic but this is not the really case, I am just like many others who are told to pipe down during the mass hysteria of Royal events. I am what can only be described as indifferent, but when indifference is used with regards to the Royals, you can expect a rapid descent into being described as miserable, bitter, or even jealous, which in my book, is an assassination of character.

I know many, many people who are indifferent to the game of cricket for entirely understandable reasons but I wouldn’t dream of accusing them of being miserable. These avid Royal watchers are like Formula One fans, they can slag you off as much they want for you not liking their hobby, but if you dare do it back, you stand accused of treason. It is an odd and one sided situation where if you put up a sensible argument to express your apathy, you are shouted down in an instant.

I class Royal obsession as a hobby really and hobbies are in the human DNA. We all have them and should be allowed to get on with them in peace. Whether it is sitting in a tent for two weeks just to see a babies head, or eating lemon curd sandwiches as you wait for train number 637 on Platform 1 of Biggleswade Station, bizarre hobbies are part of being British. I go to a field and chase a red ball whilst wearing white clothes every Sunday, so there is no point me jumping on a soap box.

A babies head that had a nation rejoicing

Royal historians and commentators have an incredible knowledge and I do find the history of our Kings and Queens fascinating on occasion, though not fascinating enough to remember who is related to who and what their job descriptions are in comparison to those of generations past. Do members of the Royal family have agents? What is Prince Andrew doing these days…How does he pay his way in life?

The truth is, I just don’t care what they do but at the same time I am curious as to why people adore the Royal family so much. The people who I appreciate are people who help me out, socialise with me and give me work. They are incredibly important in my life but I guess they would think I was a trifle odd if I stood outside their house waving a Union Jack on their birthday or when their first child arrived. So why do so many of us celebrate individuals who wouldn’t even allow us to darken their doorstep?

My only theory is that British people have an inherent attachment to Serfdom that they can’t rid themselves from. The masses still feel that we are mentally weaker and that we should accept that the aristocracy are that much better than us because of their inherited land and wealth. We are even forced to bow in front of them if we are lucky enough to meet them, it is quite surreal. I am at a stage in my life where I just couldn’t put myself through that kind of humiliation.

Good luck to William, Kate and George, I hope they have a happy life and enjoy the privileges they are lucky enough to have. They will have an enviable life but also one that is under intense scrutiny from all the loons and press who will follow them every step from now until they meet their makers. It must be a very strange and mentally unbalancing experience. I can clearly remember volleying an unresponsive car seat up and down a Sainsburys car park, William will never experience that thrill through fear of being photographed under the headline “LOOPY PRINCE GOES BONKERS”

Just remember though, those who are apathetic towards the aristocracy are probably not miserable or unpatriotic, to make such sweeping accusations against them is not fair and probably brought about by vindictive Paul Dacre led, Daily Mail propaganda.

They just choose more important things in life to worry about.