I had a message this morning from one of my adoring fans (Karen Edwards) asking why I had never published the spread sheet containing the results of my fat burning attempt that was inspired by a Horizon documentary last year (See the original post here). Well, the truth Karen, and indeed anyone else who may be interested, there really was nothing worth publishing, as these fast-track diets do not go hand in hand with 8 pints on a Friday night followed by a bacon and egg baguette on a Saturday morning. My campaign lasted a week and I lost about an ounce before giving up.

The simple facts are that weight loss can only be induced by the following things.

• Burning off the calories you put in
• Divorce
• Anal sex with a Central African monkey whilst jacking up on heroin
• A stay in an NHS hospital

Strangely enough, the most popular choice in the UK is divorce; 2 out of 3 of us go down this route and I have yet to see a friend or colleague get divorced and not shed weight at an alarming rate. Personally, I lost over two stone in about three months trying this route and as most of my friends were still unaware of my domestic situation, there was an incorrect presumption that I was indeed, having unprotected anal sex with monkeys. Getting older and too skinny just doesn’t look good in reality. There is a disturbing picture of me somewhere, playing cricket in the summer of 2008; I look like a corpse with pads on, it’s a horrible photograph.

Funny that I should talk about divorce in a week when gay marriage became legal in the UK, something that as far as I know, nobody in my acquaintance gives a flying fuck about. I find it somewhat bizarre that millions of pounds have been spent on a debate that is irrelevant to the vast majority of people in this country, but is opposed to by some lunatic called Lord Twattingdon-Smythe who spends his life masturbating over a naked table leg in a Cotswolds mansion. I can safely say that most gay people will make a better fist (excuse the pun) of marriage than many heterosexuals and that the rest of society are more concerned about  their economic future than this debate. Just think, all that money wasted could have been spent on a report in to why the NHS keep insisting on killing people and covering it up.

So the answer Karen, is a simple one, I gave up the Horizon method within a week as it just wasn’t worth the effort. However, if you are looking to lose weight, there are still a couple of choices that can be made. I am hoping that I am right in assuming that you are not about to  take the easy route and have a misguided affair with a heroin addicted baboon and as a consequence, get divorced from Glenn, so here are the options left to you:

1. Try to burn off the calories you put in 
2. Contract the Norovisus and check yourself in to an NHS hospital of your choice

The first choice is of course, the most logical one, however, the second would be far more exciting and would make excellent material for me to write about in my next post, so if you don’t mind giving it a go, I would be most grateful.

Good luck..Ooh this bacon roll is lovely!