My campaign to be healthy in 2013 reached day four today, something which, if I am not mistaken, must be a new personal best. As a bonus, after successive work outs at the gymnasium and a long walk along the seafront at Keyhaven and Milford yesterday, I was lucky enough to bump into my old cricket buddy Andy “Rowlers” Rowley who challenged me to a game of badminton this lunchtime.

Andy was given a month’s membership of the gym where I am a member as a Christmas present and has been determined to get himself in shape. However, after seeing him on the rowing machine hitting top speeds of around 0.4 mph, I was quietly confident that I would run him ragged around the badminton courts, albeit not enough to have to go through the ghastly process of giving him mouth to mouth resuscitation.

I met Andy at 1pm and has he stripped off it dawned on me that he is a much bigger fucker than I thought. I also suddenly remembered how hard I have seen him smack a cricket ball. As he stood over the other side of the net, I suddenly felt like a rabbit underneath the wingspan of a Golden Eagle and my confidence was evaporating by the second.  Andy sensed the vulnerability of his prey and with his long reach and height advantage he proceeded to send me scurrying to all ends of the court, dishing out a heady mixture of torture and humiliation.

The final score over four sets read 21-6, 21-9, 21-13, 21-16…A true battering. However, do you see the upward trend? Ever since smashing up a Lego set at the age of about four, I have spent the rest of my life excelling at a being bad loser. As a youngest child of five I had to endure years of humiliation from brothers and sisters that would result in Monopoly sets thrown across the floor, cricket balls hurled at heads and many other violent acts of retribution. My sister dropped a can of baked beans on my head from the landing as consequence of landing on Park Lane so I am made of pretty tough stuff and I easily became the sportiest member of our family.

The upward trend in this score came from my ability as the underdog to find a way through the defence of my master (Andy) and gradually it dawned on me that cunning was the only way to counteract brute strength. By the time we had finished I had Andy scurrying around to dinky little drop shots; the floor is a long way down for big middle aged blokes. We are playing again next Friday and I am going to beat the fucker, if not, I am going to challenge him to a rowing contest.

Of course all this good health is making me feel better, especially as I have continued to resist nicotine, something that will be tested later this evening as I am going out with my friend Peter, a potential world champion when it comes to smoking. Tonight will see how far I have come in this battle against a habit that when accompanied by a beer or two, is hard to break. Fridays have always been a pivotal day in the battle between the Devil and the Angel that rages on in my head, with the feisty flame of the devil proving too often to be the winner.

The last time I stopped smoking totally, I lasted eighteen months before I embarked in a one off dope smoking competition at the Biggleswade Festival in August 2011. Confident that this would just be a weekend bender, I smoked away like a veteran, perpetually reminding myself that it was a one off that would be compartmentalised on my return. However, what I didn’t reckon for was the left over half packet of Golden Virginia that remained in my jacket. It was rude not to smoke it, so I did and the descent into social smoking reared its head once more.

I have said this before but I will say it again anyway; I am a one hundred per cent believer that smoking is a habitual addiction and not a nicotine addiction, I never crave cigarettes in the daytime or at a place of work, they don’t even cross my mind; unlike something such as heroin, withdrawal is a mental battle and not a physical one. Nicotine patches are wank, they are marketing con of all marketing cons.

To give up smoking or anything habitual, the key is to find an immediate distraction when a craving occurs.

Otherwise, the Devil will find fags for idle hands to use.