Unless you have just arrived home from a short break on the planet Andromeda, I am going to take a wild guess and assume that everyone reading this is under the assumption that it is going to snow tomorrow. How much snow we will get will of course vary, but there could be (I can here my Canadian relations laughing from here) anything up to six inches, which is nearly half the size of my penis!

Snow in southern England is something of a rarity, so it is quite understandable that we all get sucked into a combination of excitement and hysteria, tuning in to weather forecasts and joining in conversations in shops and pubs about the imminent pandemonium and travel chaos we are about to endure. Privately, even the most cynical souls among us can’t help but get a little excited about the prospect of a dramatic change to our landscape and the little dramas that go with a country not used to dealing with the white stuff.

For a Met Office weather forecaster it is a more stressful time as predicting snow in southern England is the ultimate nightmare, because any small tweak in temperature or the tracking of radar can make an ass of them. We are currently in a classic east versus west scenario where warmer moist air from the Atlantic is buffering in to the cold easterlies from Siberia meaning that whilst it looks like a period of heavy snow is now almost a certainty, it could, this far south, quite conceivably turn back to sleet then rain, leaving us with a slushy landscape rather than a winter wonderland.

Being something of a dysfunctional sad case, I have always followed the weather as a keen amateur meteorologist (it could have been trains you know!) so watching it all unfold is quite exciting for me, though I must add, not in an erotic way. The problem I have,is keeping my mouth shut when people who are not bothered about the weather for the rest of the year, start thinking they are John Kettley; they are like Manchester United supporters who pop up all over the place at the sniff of a trophy. I have already heard someone say “We get the American weather two weeks after them”  so it can only be a matter of hours before someone tells me “It’s too cold to snow”. Fucking retards.

Snow on the way? Harry and I during the last big snowfall two winters ago.

So what will be, will be. Judging by the satellite tracking on the BBC website, it certainly looks like from mid morning onward tomorrow, it could get really interesting, though there is an indication of rain on the tail end of the front meaning those to the south of Hampshire and Dorset in coastal areas like Bournemouth and Southampton may well wonder what all the fuss about. Meanwhile, up here on the hilly roads of Hatch Warren, I can only hope that it wont end up in the widespread carnage when we last had a deluge of the white stuff two winters ago.

There are two things that are certain.

Firstly, six inches is a lot of snow and secondly, I wont be measuring it with my penis!