As a follow up to my favourite ever song list that was compiled for my eldest son and anyone else who was interested, I thought what would be far more entertaining would be a WORST ever song list, an eclectic mix of spine tingling, vomit inducing dross that will have you all sprinting for the sick bucket or simply staving in your computer with your right boot before remorsefully handing over five hundred quid to a care in the community teenager who is employed at PC World, home of of the most lackluster customer service in this galaxy.

To make it eclectic I have on put just one Cliff Richard track on the list, whilst in truth, there was so many contenders from the dubiously named Peter Pan of Pop who lives with a gay Catholic Priest but is not homosexual himself. Quite what his sexual orientation is, I really don’t know and after the recent Lord McAlpine Twitter scandal, I am not about to make any allegations despite my desperation to do so. Does anyone know if he ever actually knobbed Sue Barker…Or was that just a robust campaign by The Daily Mail to convince middle England that he should remain a crowd favourite at SW19  for two weeks every summer until the day he meets his maker?

So here is the list, if you are wearing heavy duty shoes replace them with slippers and if you don’t have a empty bucket by your side, do yourself a favour and go and fetch one.

10- Europe-The Final Countdown

This piece of Euro-wank from 1986 is European soft rock at it’s worst, right from the opening synthesizer riff through to it’s hideous climax, this song has me contemplating suicide. It is so shit I can barely find words to describe it. I can’t stick soft rockers, they are all 24 carat wankers and Europe personify just about everything I hate about them.

9-Celine Dion-My Heart Will Go On

Often described as having the voice of an angel and the head of a horse, Celine Dion has repulsed me ever since I set eyes on her for the first time. Whilst seemingly millions of people rejoice at the alleged beauty of this song from the movie Titanic, I am afraid to say that it makes me weep with despair. If I was to seek for all the attributes of a piss poor song, I would find them all in the first thirty seconds of this contrived garbage. Otherwise it is great.

8- The Reynolds Girls-I’d Rather Jack

Where do I start with this piece of dog turd contrived by pop music anti-Christs Stock Aitken and Waterman? However, it was worth watching the video just to see someone commenting that they looked like a young Pat Butcher and a young Kevin Keegan. Apparently this song kicked off the ultimate collapse of SWP and was to be considered to be their worst ever mass produced single. I guess that sums it up really.

7- Billy Ray Cyrus-Achy Breaky Heart

The first time I saw this song, featuring Cyrus complete with a preposterous haircut, surrounded by bible bashing cow girl line dancers, I realised just how dense and easily amused swathes of deep south of the United States must be. If there was ever a song that would force me to jack up on heroin before throwing myself off the cliffs of  Beachy Head, this would be it.

6-Sonia-You’ll Never Stop Me From Loving You

What could be worse than a ginger haired scouser with a face that could make a Buddhist turn to violence? Admittedly. the bloke in this video runs her pretty damn close during yet another alleged song from the factory of wank that was owned by those creations of the Devil’s sperm, Stock Aitken and Waterman.

5-Elton John-Candle in the Wind

I disliked this song to a moderate degree when it was dedicated to Marilyn Monroe, but when it was dedicated to Diana, Princess of  bleeding hearts, it reached new heights of self indulgent nausea as our once great nation turned into a country of self pitying mourners who the Royal family wouldn’t piss on if they burst into flames. This is still Britain’s best selling single with all the proceeds going towards fuck knows what, Arab passports in need or something like that.

4-Chris de Burgh-Lady in Red

My friends and I met this twat on a ferry to Dublin in May 1986, totally unaware of who he was and totally unaware that he was just two months away from reaching number 1 in the UK charts with quite possibly one of the worst songs sung since our species first crawled out of a pond and began to evolve into the human race. When you consider that the nation of Ireland have proud musical roots, it is incredulous that De Burgh wasn’t stopped in his tracks rather than shaming his proud nation with a song that emanates absolutely zero discernible talent. Awful stuff.

3-|Jive Bunny-Swing the Mood

How, in a supposed civilized society, was this song allowed to be released? I really don’t get what it means, why it exists and why on God’s earth enough people bought it to make it a number 1 single. I can understand how people all have different tastes in music but this is so shit it beggars belief; I couldn’t possibly count the amount of birthdays or wedding receptions I have walked out of as soon as this song starts, it is worse than root canal treatment without anesthetic.

2- Shakin Stevens and Bonnie Tyler-Rockin’ Good Way

This song actually makes me gag, it is just so revolting; the bit when they talk to each other about exchanging phone numbers sends the hairs on my spine rigid, similar to when a cat sees a snake. Bonnie Tyler and Shakin Stevens spent the eighties churning out piss poor but largely inoffensive pop, but as a duo they sent me spiraling into a state of nausea with this piece of utter shite that, as it turns out, is a cover version of an original by Dinah Washington and Brook Benton who must share some of the blame.

1-Cliff Richard-Saviour’s Day

In all honesty, I could have picked any number of Cliff Richard songs as number one, but this one has to take it. It could be argued that “Daddy’s Home” is worse but this self indulgent dross set in Dorset, has me reaching for the sick bucket every time I hear it. The late John Peel famously stated that when he first heard ‘Teenage Kicks’ by The Undertones he pulled over and cried with joy, I felt the other end of the spectrum when I first heard this. The only way this video would have been pleasurable is if Cliff had fallen off one, preferably after a subtle shoulder barge from yours truly.