Is it just me imagining things or is the main criterion to become knighted to be a child molester, a police inspector who oversees the death of 96 people, a banker who brings the country to its knees or a businessman who pays his wife a three billion pounds dividend into an account in Monaco?

According to Wikipedia “A knight is a person granted an honorary title of knighthood by a monarch or other political leader for service to the monarch or country, especially in a military capacity.” Nowhere did I read “A knight is a person granted an honorary title of knighthood by a monarch or other political leader for service to the monarch or country, especially in a sexually deviant or fraudulent banking capacity.”

So, something that was once bestowed on someone returning from bloody battle, defending King and Country, is now available off the shelf to any nasty bastard who has the power and money to self-title themselves in an attempt to make them appear to be morally decent human beings. Call me Mr Picky but I don’t think the guy who invented Knighthoods thought they would one day be available to sex offenders and stony faced Scottish football managers who try to steal the breeding rights to highly successful racehorses.

What next? Sir John Terry…Sir Ashley Cole? Sir Simon Cowell? If that fucker Simon Cowell gets one, that’s it, I’m out of here, you can visit me in my shack in rural France.

Personally speaking I have never called anyone sir in anything other than a sarcastic tone since I was a schoolboy getting thrashed with a cane by Mr Evans (Does anyone know if he was Knighted?). Why the fuck would I want to call someone like  Alan Sugar Sir just because he made shit stereos and a semi-entertaining reality TV show called “The Apprentice”?

 In fairness to Alan, as far as I am aware he hasn’t abused children or robbed the banks dry but he has hardly gone into battle to keep me a free man, which is probably a good thing as an Amstrad machine gun would snap in half after five minutes and there’s only so many unsold wanky telephone/email machines you can toss at the enemy.

Wank: The Amstrad Email/Phone type thing

I am never likely be Knighted, I haven’t got enough money and I am unlikely to ride in to battle and hack off a foreigners head. Not that I would accept one anyway, who wants to be in the same company as Jimmy Saville or Cliff Richard (please let it be him who gets done next, it will make my century) and I only desire to meet the Queen so I can say one sentence and one sentence only.

“Queenie my dear, you are the head of a fucking great morally bankrupt steaming pile of shite with David Cameron sat on top!”

Aaah….that’s better!