I occasionally get a wave of emails that temporarily get past my spam detectors offering me anything from Rolex watches to making my penis the length of the Grand Union Canal. Other emails include fantastic job offers and East African mine owners who have sold a job lot of gold (totally legally of course) in the UK and all they need is my bank details and mother’s maiden name so they can cash the cheque in my account for a 10% return for my trouble. If all these emails were factual, I would be sat in a mansion surrounded by porn stars and Rolex watches boasting a penis the size of a baseball bat. However, being a cautious a type who plays by the rules, I tend to delete any emails that  resemble soft porn, jewellery, or some fantastic drug that will leave me with a humiliating permanent erection that I will be stuck with until the day I meet my maker.

Years of experience tells me that the names on the emails that are associated with porn or Viagra always seem to be rather racy in nature, they are never something like Margaret Smith or Deborah Jones, they are more like Raquel Rocks, Tina Tuggshard or Wendy Wantsome. As a consequence, whenever one of these names comes up I just delete them nowadays and this was once again the case yesterday when I received an email from a lady called Jasmin Stacks, a cast iron name for a porn star or a “make your penis huge” saleswoman if I had ever heard one. In the meantime one of the workers I was employing had been frantically calling me every half an hour to see if I had received email details from a payroll company so I could make a BACS  payment via them, in to his bank this Friday. You can see where this blog is going can’t you?

That’s right ladies and gentleman, Jasmin Stacks is a genuine person, so every time this guy rang  to berate her that she had not yet sent me his payroll details, she emailed them again and I promptly I deleted them again, once whilst I was actually telling him on the phone that no, the details still had not come through yet. My error of name judgement was causing some amount of grief I can tell you. Eventually I got a phone call from Jasmin herself, not offering me a bucket of imitation viagra or the wank of a lifetime, but actually requesting if she had the correct email address for me for her to send payroll details to.

“Yes sorry I did get it, but I kept deleting it”

“Oh right….why?”

“Oh errr um……….”

I might as well have said “Because I thought you were a porn star pedalling Viagra” for what it was worth and it was as lesson learnt that names don’t necessary fit what is in your minds eye. I should have learnt this in my early twenties when I fizzed down the M4 motorway to meet a new customer called Stella Fox who I foolishly assumed was an absolute stunner who wanted to spend the afternoon frolicking with me on a nearby haystack. When I got there she could barely get out of her seat as consequence of her bottom being approximately the size of the Isle of Wight, it was something of a disappointment I can tell you.

So remember folks, if you get an email from someone called Karina Cleavage, it might just be your new bank manager. Oh hello…..whats this…..an urgent message from Melanie Mounds? I better open it.

WOW……………………..LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!