I must start this post by issuing an apology to anyone who was offended by my recent references to Deirdre Barlow and vigorous masturbation in the search for fitness. I openly admit that these references could be seen as bad taste and puerile in nature. I have, in the past few days, tried to understand why I posted such vulgar content and what spurred me to do it. I have come up with a combination of reasons as seen below.

• Relief at sore neck receding
• Warm spring like sunshine
• The word vigorous

The key word listed above is vigorous. In the dictionary it is listed as “strong, active and robust exercise” but amongst my long standing peers it is associated with sex. In their dictionary it reads as follows:

Vig-or-ous: Adjective: To beat ones bishop at an alarming rate.

They will remain nameless, but before I wrote last weeks blog, two of my friends text-ed me about the Horizon programme, one of them saying that he had carried out “20 seconds a day vigorous excercise since I was 14 and it never worked” whilst the other claimed that he was getting fat because “I am a bit out of condition at the moment, I am obviously not wanking vigorously enough.”  

These text messages, combined with the sun and the pain release, sent my puerile mind racing in to overdrive and once I had seen the picture of Deirdre Barlow looking like she had swallowed something salty, I am afraid there was no stopping me. A blog is a reflection of one’s general state of being at the time of writing, so to show remorse would be a bit hypocritical, but it is worth acknowledging that I may have shocked a minority and I hope an apology is acceptable to those offended.

At the last count, according to Google statistics, I had approximately 60 regular readers of my blog, some of whom I know well, some I don’t. I only know the numbers by the way, not the names of the readers. I received an email from one regular reader (who I don’t know in person) who asked if such vitriol towards an innocent soap star was called for on a public blog page. The answer has to be no, it isn’t, but I must confess that from an entirely selfish point of view, I gained a high amount of amusement writing it, even if some people didn’t like reading it. if I lose 20% of my regular readers, I will be saddened, though it has to be said that the site was initially started for friends in Australia and Poland (now in Australia as well) as a way of sharing stories and photo’s, it just kind of grew on its own after that. My own fragile ego enjoys seeing the numbers increase, it may now be about to take a battering as it decreases, writing is riddled with risk.

For the record, a far as I am aware, the picture did not really show Deirdre Barlow swallowing the semen of Ken Barlow (it was actually Mike Baldwin…..sorry, sorry, I’m off again) it was total fabrication on my part. I apologise to the disgruntled reader and Deirdre herself, though  I have noted that they did not seem offended that I attempted to put a death wish on the Chancellor of the Exchequer after the “coincidence” surrounding my previous blog with regards to The Moonkees and the death of Davey Jones. It appears that a photograph of a soap star allegedly swallowing her husband’s semen is more offensive than a death wish on a high profile Tory politician…what is the world coming to?

Shocked: Deirdre hears of my recent blog post

It is of some relevance that I actually started the vigorous 20 second bursts of fat burning exercise recommended on Horizon at lunch time today (without Deirdre) at my local Gym, going for quick bursts on running machine and the bike trainer. If you are in your forties like me, have a go at sprinting, it is a shocking experience. I normally plod along on the running machine at about 6mph, so today I ramped it up to three 20 second bursts at 9mph (if you are in your twenties, don’t laugh) and I have to say I was more exhausted than I ever have been doing 3-4 miles at a plod just beyond walking pace, so maybe it does work after all. I did the same on the rowing machine and the exercise bike, so I am actually ahead of the game as I am convinced three minutes a week is not enough.

I am going to continue this every day until the 5th of April and keep a graph of the exercise taken on a spreadsheet. At the end of this period I will give you a totally honest assessment of the weight loss and fat reduction (there is a machine at the Gym that reads all this info) to see if it is worth it or not. As I have never really had extreme weight issues I am going to regard myself as in the 20% fast burner category.

For the readers that I have left, I will keep you posted. I really hope I haven’t had a “Beatles are bigger than God” moment!