We can’t resist a pantomime villain in this country, it seems that a new one is turning up on a weekly or even a daily basis. In the last seven days alone we have had Stephen Hester (RBS Boss) Fabio Cappello (England boss) and Abu Quatada (boss of evil axis of extreme Islamic terrorism). Stephen Hester has turned down his £1m bonus and Cappello has been resigned, yet Quatada, a threat to the whole human race if you believe the tabloids, is walking free on bail…..well, that’s if you call a 22 hour curfew, an electronic tag and no use of the internet or mobiles phones freedom (the tabloids forget that bit). I don’t really think the Government are actually as concerned about Quatada as they make out they are, otherwise they would just get him knocked off like they did (ALLEGEDLY!!) with Dr Kelly after he spoilt Tony Blair’s war party by discovering Iraq were heavily armed with just a catapult and a junior chemistry set rather than huge bombs that could blow up London at 45 minutes notice.

It is obvious to say that I hold no candle for for Abu Quatada, in fact I hold little interest of him either way really, though one suspects that if the tabloid press chose to ignore him instead of whipping up blood thirsty hysteria about him, his apparent danger to British society would reduce quite dramatically. At the moment the press are giving him a free advertising campaign as well as stirring people in to frenzy about how he should be dealt with, sending him back to Jordan to have his testicles cut off with rusty garden shears seems to be the preferred route if you read the tabloids or listen to radio phone -ins . It is amazing how many people still see the “eye for an eye” route as  a way of solving all the problems on earth, especially when you count up the amount of “military interventions” that have led to an increase in terrorism rather than a reduction. The “hanging is too good for them” brigade are, in my opinion, more dangerous than some cartoon Islamic fundamentalist with a big beard an electronic tag and a 22 hour curfew. I am just a bit disappointed that Quatada hasn’t got a comedy hook on his arm and a missing eye, he just doesn’t look enough like a James Bond baddie for my liking.

The same hysteria happens in the sporting world of course. Luis Suarez, a character who it is hard to like, is the latest villain of the peace, which one must presume is very much to the relief of of the equally detestable Chelsea captain John Terry. However, certain individuals are getting away Scot free with bad behaviour, Manchester United’s Patrice Evra being one of them. Rather than raising above it all and ignoring the non handshake of Suarez, Evra, like a trained thespian, chose to dramatically grab at the arm of Suarez before being restrained in one of those pathetic “Hold me back” incidents footballers relish so much. Then, within minutes of the commencement of the game, he and another clown, Rio Ferdinand, calamitously and hilariously crashed in to each other whilst jointly trying to decapitate the evil villain Suarez, who, with sublime timing, scampered away totally unhurt in a scene reminiscent of something out of  Tom & Jerry.  If this wasn’t enough, Evra proceeded to leap around in celebration at the end of the game (which United won) deliberately provoking Suarez by elaborately dancing in his path. How Suaraz resisted in punching him in the face I just don’t know, there are plenty of players who would have done. Yet Evra hardly got criticised at all, because you see, he is the poor innocent racially abused victim in all this. He could have knocked Suarez unconscious and had a shit in his mouth and he would have got away with it.

Of course the honorary Scouse/Jock  Liverpool manager Kenny Dalglish doesn’t help matters. What a prat Dalglish is, he strikes me as being an individual who is just one more ludicrous comment away from a full blown crisis at Merseyside club. He (Dalglish) is still conducting press conferences that emanate from a bygone era and is extremely lucky not to be facing race charges himself when you consider his whole hearted T-shirt wearing public support for a player (Suarez) who allegedly racially abused Evra around eighteen times in the space of a few minutes. Just to add a bit of extra spice to it all, the perennial self righteous one, Alex Ferguson, joined in the fun by stating on Saturday that Suarez should never play for Liverpool again. Suddenly, in the world of Ferguson (I will never call him Sir) not shaking the hand of an opposing player is a bigger crime than karate kicking a fan (which in fairness, was a great moment) snapping an opponents knee in half or legging it from a drug tester, just three of the unsavoury Manchester United incidents under his watch. As their manager, Ferguson has every right to publicly protect his players who carried out these various misdemeanors, but he has no right to tell Liverpool how to set their code of conduct. Dalglish and Suarez must have been nearly vomiting as they issued public apologies to Manchester United that were gleefully welcomed from a moral perch standing high in sky. Don’t be fooled in to thinking that will be the start of a beautiful relationship between the clubs, it will be quite the opposite, the resentment will seethe on.

Who this week’s head in stocks will be is the guess of anyone, but someone will be in for it, that you can guarantee. Will it be a sportsman, a politician, a banker an actor, a media mogul or a singer who is cheating, taking bribes, boozing, drug taking, embezzling, sleeping with prostitutes, hacking phones, dressing up as Hitler, racially abusing, tax dodging, fiddling expenses, fanatical preaching, getting the weather forecast wrong or failing to stop England being shit at football. One thing is for certain it wont be me, the door to my skeleton cupboard that is packed with a history of booze, soft drugs, dubious women and driving offences will stay firmly locked for yet another week.

That ladies and gentleman means one thing and one thing only.

It’s fucking great being a nobody!