We are now six days in to what is officially regarded as spring and today I celebrated by having my first cup of tea in the back garden since September last year. Not that it was particularly warm at 7c but my small patch of patio and grass offers sunshine all afternoon and shelters me completely from the biting north easterly making it feel at least 5c warmer. This huge bonus makes me realise that my choice of property was much better than I imagined it to be when I purchased it, you just can’t odds a bit of sunshine can you? As I sat there in just a jumper wondering when I would be able to reach my next milestone of actually hanging out my washing outside again, it dawned on me that after it’s early and spectacular start, this winter has to go down as the most boring and uneventful in the history of British winters. Absolutely nothing has happened.

The end of November and the whole of December indicated that we may well have been about to experience one of the coldest winters in modern history as snow and ice covered virtually the whole country and temperatures plummeted to below -10c in many areas. Sporting calendars were ruined, building sites were shut down and the media speculated on a winter of chaos. Here in Hampshire a blanket of snow lasted over Christmas before a thaw around New Year, and that essentially, was that, I can’t remember any thing of note since. It has never really been cold bar the odd frost, nor has it been that mild either, there has been no freezing fog, no gales, no floods, nothing.

So what is spring going to bring us? The truth is, I don’t know, you don’t know and the Met Office who should know, don’t know either. They have attempted long range forecasts before and ended up being held responsible for thousands of rusting barbecues or redundant sledges. They are now learning to keep their mouths firmly shut as the sensationalist press will turn a forecast of light wintry showers in to the next Ice Age where we are all going to get eaten Mammoths, whilst an indication of a warm spell will signal the United Kingdom becoming a parched dessert invested with poisonous vipers which, quite frankly, would be my worst nightmare.

One of the few things that still make Britain great is that it stays cool enough to keep the worst of the snake population at bay apart from the odd Adder here and there….oh and George Osbourne of course. Apparently, experts say that Adders are more scared of us than we are of them and that they are in fact actually quite a cowardly creature. Really? I obviously wasn’t around when they made that assessment of the Adder because if I had been they would have seen a genuine coward in action as I hurdled through the New Forest bracken quicker than Colin Jackson on speed, which would, I presume, given the Adder a higher opinion of itself and a huge boost to its self esteem following years of taunting and emasculation from it’s far more poisonous Australian cousins.

What did they do to get this assessment of fear anyway, interview an Adder?

“So Mr Adder despite your venom only being dangerous to old people or babies, do you think humans are scared of you?”

“Oh good God no dear boy, if anything we are more scared of them than they are of us?”

Moving back to the subject of spring, or should I say moving forward to spring? If we are to go by the statistics of the previous three years of British spring/summer time we should get out and enjoy April, May and June because they have been when the best weather has been had in recent years before a depressingly early capitulation in to Autumn in mid July and through August just in time for the school summer holidays. However, 90% of all statistics are statistically a load of old bollocks, particularly when it comes to statistics about the Great British summer it would seem. So, the best thing to do is enjoy even fleeting glimpses of nice weather like today when you can as you may regret it otherwise.

Meanwhile I am waiting with unprecedented anticipation for the first day that the air is dry and warm enough to make use of my washing line. Do not worry ladies and gentleman you will hear it here first!!