I awoke with a start at 2.00am this morning to the sound of banging followed by an awful explosion of liquid. My first impression was that the heating system had exploded, but as I raced from my bedroom I discovered that the sound was coming from my eldest son George hurtling to the bathroom to carry out an Exorcist style vomit spraying of every square inch of the room. It was a hideous moment that required a stomach turning, intricate cleaning up and bleaching operation around taps and tongue and groove bath panels. As you are probably fully aware sick is awful stuff, but at least the bathroom got a the thoroughly good clean it clearly required. Every cloud has a silver lining so they say. Maybe they should say….. “never mind, every copious vomiting session results in a bleach clean floor.”

I spent most of today debating with myself as to whether I was going down with the same thing or whether I was just plain exhausted, as I didn’t return to a fitful sleep until about 4.00am by which time George had reduced himself to vomiting stomach acid only. I definitely didn’t feel a hundred per cent and when I decided on releasing a subtle fart in Sainsbury’s earlier I narrowly avoided my most embarrassing moment ever,  succeeding only in clearing the aisles around me leaving customers in utter bewilderment as to what could causing such a violent smell at the meat counter. I had to pay and get out quick before things turned ugly. I made an instant decision not to visit my girlfriend and decided that I would stay in and have a thorough clean of the house, starting with kitchen. I decided the most effective and thorough way to do this was pretending that everything was covered in vomit, that way you have to, without choice, clean every nook and cranny.

What became apparent straight away was that my kitchen is skin deep. On the outside I keep it clean and as tidy as I can, but once I scratched beneath the surface it began to dawn on me what a state it was in and that I am a man who is very reluctant to throw anything away and when I clean I just shove things in cupboards just in case they might be useful one day. In one cupboard alone, I found that everything in it had not been used and never would be, including virtually all the contents of a hamper George won at Christmas. This list included, Clancys Pistachios (hamper) butterkist popcorn mix, snack a jacks ((4/12/09) Breadcrumbs (July 10) Passions savoury snack mix (hamper) chilli snack bites (hamper) empty Quality Street tin, fruit jellys (hamper) plastic jug for packet milk, marzipan mix (hamper) savoury oak nibbles (hamper), photo of me aged 10, pink grapefruit squash (disliked by boys) porridge oats, can of de icer, cherry blossom mid tan shoe polish (without lid), remote control for Ipod docking station, various blades and fruit crushers for a food blender and a solitary potato.

In the next cupboard I found that once yearly plastic picnic items such as cool bags and plastic cutlery were hiding a saucepan and a pyrex dish that I had long given up as lost causes. In fact I now had two identical pyrex dishes because I bought a new one to replace the lost one. You can never have too many I suppose, there is bound to be a day in my life when I need to eat two shepherds pies. Alongside these items was some unopened corn flour and some polenta which I must have bought in one of my darker periods as I don’t really know what polenta is. The corn flour is for thickening my gravy without affecting the taste if my memory serves me correctly.

Most interestingly however was what was going on beneath the sink. For some reason I have decided to collect hundreds of those Sainsburys bags that are only fit for purpose once, if you are lucky. Don’t ask why because I don’t know, but they are gone now. Then there is the evidence that has made me guilty as charged as one of those characters who persistently threatens to deliver a good spring clean, but ultimately fails. Under here I found two bottles of floor cleaner, three Jif worktop cleaners, three dustpans, FOUR reams of bin liners, two cans of Mr Sheen, six scouring pads, three jay cloths, a packet of flash wipe and go and rather bizarrely, a can of Sure deodorant. All good as new.

In the cutlery draw there was nail clippers, two cigarette lighters, a pair of reading glasses, two wine corks, a set of allum keys, a golf glove, a hand warmer, some aspirins and a halogen light bulb, a stanley knife and various golf tees. It is apparent that when I tidy up I just chuck things in the nearest draw, it’s ridicolous and has stop.

Three hours and three bin liners later, my kitchen doesn’t look that much cleaner, but beneath the surface it is cleaner and more organised than ever……….for now!!

Anyone want to buy a Pyrex dish?