I had comment the other day from a couple of blog readers that I had not blogged the results of my attempt to put a kitchen shelf up during the dull and uninspiring days between Christmas and New Year. I am sorry to inform you that this event did not happen, I just couldn’t do it to myself. Years of heartache told me to back off and realise that my relationship with plasterboard has always been a frosty one resulting in ramming newspaper in to gaping wounds cause by curtain poles, bathroom cabinets and various shelving, my old house looked like a crazed gunman had blazed through it.

Originally my intentions were sound, I cleared the area and took measurements (I did honestly) and popped round to warn my neighbours, a young couple, of imminent banging, crashing and tourettes like swearing fits. They have already witnessed me hurtling a half built barbecue down the garden and calling an incomplete bird table a nasty little cunt, so they were well used my tantrums, but they opted to go out for the afternoon all the same. I expect they describe me to their friends as pleasant but a bit odd, which I suppose is fair assessment, and better than “a quiet man who keeps himself to himself”. That would make me a serial killer

I watched a few “how to put a shelf up on plasterboard” videos on the Internet which was riveting stuff that made me wonder why respectable people have to resort to soft porn as a form of Internet entertainment, the trick is to find the batons behind the plasterboard you see. I then made sure that I had tools totally unsuitable for the task in hand and I proceeded to Homebase to find the shelving required to take the weight of half a dozen cook books whilst hammered into a structure not much stronger than wet cardboard.

I got to the “How to make your house look shit with shit shelving department” and was quite taken aback by the pitiful quality of what was on offer, all they had was pieces of chipboard with photographs of wood stuck to them, there wasn’t real piece of wood in sight. I took this as a message from the Holy one and left the store empty handed weaving my way through the hoards people taking advantage of mega 60% off all kitchens deals. 60% off what? Has anyone ever paid full price in these stores?

I wonder if there is some poor bastard  somewhere out there who has actually paid full whack for a DFS sofa? If there is I want to interview him. Maybe there is day somewhere between the Christmas, New Year, Mid Season, Spring, Easter, May Bank Holiday Mid Season, Summer, August Bank Holiday, Mid Season, Autumn and Christmas when there isn’t a sale on, how unlucky would that be. I presume that this year we will get a 60% off Royal Wedding sale.

So anyway, that was it, no shelf, and my cook books are now confined to a wicker basket that was once a Christmas hamper won by my son George in a pub raffle. It was for the best and was no repeat of my last DIY attempt when I moved in to my house. See here

Sorry to disappoint you all!!!