My recent, and thankfully successful quest for part-time work to prop up my ailing business forced me to do something I hadn’t done since 1994. Write a CV. Bloody hell it was difficult remembering dates and job titles, but I got there in the end. After leaving school in 1984 fully equipped with a bleak looking list of qualifications and an assessment from a careers adviser that suggested the Army, Barclays bank or an apprenticeship at AWE Aldermaston I spent the next couple of years doing all sort of manual labouring work, but to to my credit, I never did sign on. I did take the Apprenticeship test at the AWE which involved bending a straight piece of wire into a square a rectangle and a triangle. I failed miserably, though I would have passed if it had been a bent coat hanger made in to a car aerial that I had to make.

Then in 1986 another opportunity arose at the AWE (Atomic Weapons Establishment) for a position of Administrative Assitant and I applied. I was called for interview and I kind of instinctively knew how to get through it and secure the job. I think it was instinctive anyway or maybe I had had some tips from my Mother, I can’t quite remember, but I knew that to get through I had to show allegiance to Margaret Thatcher, The Daily Telegraph and the recent Falklands conflict along with showing utter damnation towards Greenham peace women and anyone associated to Greenpeace or the CND. Having American cruise missiles seven miles from your back door was a good thing I told them. In effect I had to sell my soul to the Devil to secure a job and I did it with shameful ghusto. But at least I had the job, provided I passed their dreaded security check.

The security check should have been straightforward, my Father, as a Nuclear Physicist, had helped design and build weapons of mass destruction for the past thirty years, so I had a strong family history in the MOD to add to my impressive pro right wing interview. However I nearly blew it when it came to questions regarding my sexuality and sexual conduct. I was just 18 years old and had scarce and fumbled sexual experiences behind me, but when the security guy asked me how many sexual partners I had had I lied and just shrugged my shoulders and said: “Quite a few.” What I was thinking of I just don’t know, did I think that teenage promiscuity in an era when everyone was shit scared of AIDS was going to impress him for fuck’s sake!! Well it didn’t.

This opened a whole can of worms, as he started asking me who these phantom lovers were, where had they come from, and had they had sexual relations with anyone who may be able to blackmail me. From being a boy just about through puberty with a couple of semi sexual experiences to his name, I was suddenly someone who could have been photographed having rampant sex with well paid hookers connected with an Eastern European spy ring. To make matters worse my silence made him make further enquiries, was I an active homosexual perhaps, had my promiscuity involved anal sex!!!? In hindsight I think he was enjoying catching me out and making the whole interview more fun for himself and I eventually back tracked and confessed to a couple of half baked attempts at sex with nameless girls at dark roomed teenage parties. I also assured him that I had never attended a party hosted by Elton John or Freddie Mercury.

Several weeks later, I received the news in the post, I had been selected to work as an Admin Assistant at the AWE!!! My future had been secured, I would be doing my own bit for HM Government and Margaret Thatcher in our fight against the evil communists. I would be working in an office for the very first time doing my bit for Queen and Country and more importantly I would almost certainly be working with sexy women with tight white blouses, short pin striped skirts and tied back thick healthy hair that they would toss from side to side as they took their glasses off whilst offering me gratuitous passionate sex behind the filing cabinets!!!

To be continued…………………..