I read with great distress this morning that the Queen has to take a 14% cut in household expenditure. Thankfully a temporary additional facility will provide £1 million to support the costs of the Diamond Jubilee next year which is obviously critical to any economy.

In a further setback to the Royals, a 50k Christmas party has been shelved as the monarchy tackles the recession head on. Other draconian measures include a pay freeze on staff earning over 50k, a 0.5% increase amongst her 425 middle earners, the lower earners (the Corgis?) will be earning an increase at the rate of inflation, whilst anyone stupid enough to leave their positions will not be replaced.

The Queen has been hit really hard by the downturn, and it is thought that she may have to sell her second car and cancel her gym membership. She has also tried to cancel her Sky sports subscription, but a rather sweet Scottish lady talked her in to keeping it for a further three months at a reduced rate, meaning that she can now watch the much anticipated Ashes series this winter.

My big concern however is this…………………………WHAT IF THE QUEEN DIES? Can you imagine what that will cost the economy, with the fleet of funeral cars, the huge guest list, the national month of mourning and people too depressed to go to work! That’s before we have had another state holiday to celebrate the throning of Prince Charles, who will at last be able to take a dump without fantasising he is on the real throne. We can only pray that she hangs on until the economy recovers, because one thing we can’t afford is a state funeral, if she can last until after the Olympics that would be handy.

The death of the Queen would of course not be bad for everyone, and it would be a welcome boost to The Sunday Express Magazine and Interflora (Imagine how flowers will be laid outside Buckingham Palace and thrown off motorway bridges at the passing Hearse). It will also be boom time for The Bradford Exchange who have got thousands of plates with “Our Queen of Hearts” 1926- that need knocking out quickly in the months following her death, and Elton John will also do quite nicely with a naff cover version of some shit song he wrote twenty years ago propping up the charts for thirteen weeks.

I think it will be best for all concerned that if she does pop her clogs that we put her in a freezer for a couple of years and get Judy Dench to play her part until the recovery is well under way. No one will know any different (except Jenny Bond who will have to be told to keep it quiet) and the huge cost of a state Funeral will be avoided………………………….Uh oh, just had a thought….how old is Margaret Thatcher…….I never thought I would be willing that old bat to live on a bit longer!!!