I got in to a conversation the other week in a pub with a guy who had recently been working as a relief manager for a pub chain. One of the pubs that he took on was a clean up operation that no on else would entertain as it was in Moss Side, Manchester. He heroically entered the building with armed police officers, and Alsatian dogs and fought a lengthy and violent hand to hand battle with the drug dealers who owned the pub. Shots were fired, but fortunately he escaped injury and set about cleaning the place up, as even the tills were filled to the brim with crack cocaine. In the weeks that followed he was fire bombed three times, but he manfully stuck to his task, and I am pleased to tell you that because of this man’s heroics it is now a prospering, friendly, family pub.

This seemingly hopeless and malnourished looking individual has had a really fascinating life, he has also told me stories of the gratuitous sexual activity of Welsh ladies in a pub he ran near Swansea, where, such was the generosity of the locals, he never bought a drink and had 4.00am lock ins every night. He also owns the original vinyl copies of every Beatles album and single which are signed by the band members and kept in a vault under the Thames which costs him four grand a month in storage fees.

Of course this is all complete and utter bullshit from an individual who is not unpleasant but trapped in some sort fantasy world that I can’t begin to understand. I think most Hampshire village pubs own one of these characters, the Fox at North Waltham had one that had crashed Ferrari’s, arrived at Cup Finals in a Helicopters, and had holiday homes in France, America and Bermuda. He drove an Escort Van with a ladder on top.

Let’s face it, everyone bullshits or embellishes the truth for a good story (Politicians are at it all the time) it is a human characteristic that starts at about three or four (Mum he hit me…………No I didn’t) but what makes someone tell such preposterous tales that are only going to make them look stupid, and rapidly become people to avoid. I have done some research on this, and no one really knows, but the condition is commonly known as PL (Pathological Lying) and generally comes from people with extremely low self esteem, which answers the huge question which is…………… why we don’t normal people tell these nutters to piss off and leave them alone?

It is because we have two things rattling at human instinct.

1/If I rumble this guy and expose his ludicrous tales as utter nonsense, will he launch a frenzied attack on me?

2/Will I cause him such embarrassment that he will drive to the local forest with a length of hose pipe and take his own life?

I got frustrated and counter bullshitted the chap in North Waltham once by saying that I was going out with Liz Hurley on a date (her Mum lived in North Waltham which isn’t bullshit) at Pizza Express. He seemed really perplexed that someone had the audacity to out bullshit him, and he became very agitated and left abruptly, and seemingly quite angry. Everyone thought it was hilarious except me, I thought he was off to get a gun. I never saw him again, and it was assumed that I had help rid the pub of it’s premier bore. I really don’t know if this was the case, but I regret it now, if his self esteem was really low, maybe I tipped him over the edge by trying to get a cheap laugh from the locals.

I guess the thing to with these people is just let them get on with it, then no one gets hurt. Low self esteem can’t be nice thing, and it has to be remembered that this is also a condition suffered by people who march through their village letting off volleys of gunfire for no apparent reason as they finally and fatefully live out one of their preposterous fantasies.

Let’s just humour them and listen to this brilliant song. Click Here