Now here’s a thing, I had what is known as an In Body 720 Body Composition Analysis the other day and if I was the worrying type, which I am, I should be rather concerned, if not alarmed.

Basically speaking, I am 42 years old 12 stone 3 pounds, and 5 foot seven and two fag papers tall.

Here is my assessment:

MUSCLE FAT
Weight: Over
Skeletal muscle Mass: Over
Body Fat Mass: Over

OBESITY DIAGNOSIS
Body Mass Index: Over
Per cent body fat: Over
Waist Hip Ratio: Over (otherwise okay so far?)

LEAN BALANCE
Right Arm: Normal (Hooray normal at last!!!)
Left Arm: Normal
Trunk: Normal (Trunk, what am I an elephant now?)
Right Leg: Normal

NUTRITIONAL
Protein: Normal
Mineral: Normal
Fat: Excessive (Thanks for that guys you’re too kind)

HEALTH
Body Water: Normal
Edema: Normal
Life Pattern: Alert (Does that mean I am quite sharp, or that I am about to die?)

Apparently I should be getting down to about 10.5 to 11 stone to be healthy, but this is something I only ever achieved in the bitterest stages divorce (see my Divorce Diet Plan Here) and during this period friends thought that I looked so gaunt, that they suspected that I had been spending my spare time jacking up on dirty heroin and having anal sex with monkeys. I don’t want to be that skinny again, however I don’t want to be a porker either, my small height does not allow me to carry weight too well. Rotund is a description I fear morbidly.

Weight is an incredibly delicate matter, but stress or depression apart, my theory on the subject is pretty simple based on my own body, and basic science. If I go through a period of eating and drinking without any form of exercise I put on weight (Christmas is a fine example), then when I exercise the weight comes off at a reasonable rate. Before I was divorced I was coming in at an excessive 13.8 stone which was down to a combination of laziness and a long period of having a broken ankle, and torn ligaments, which stopped me playing football or golf. When I recovered and started running a few miles a week, I lost a stone in about 8 weeks, as I said, simple science.

The fact of the matter is that somehow you have to get yourself in a position that you are burning off what is going in, which is not easy, especially, if you are like me and like a bit of alcohol in your bloodstream on a daily basis. A pint of Bitter is about 200 calories and a glass of wine (175ml) 130 calories, that takes some burning off after a Friday night out. Add to that the odd fry up, or portion of chips and you are getting in to troubled waters pretty quickly. My personal favourite Stilton, comes in at a whopping 400 calories per 100 grammes, so If I didn’t exercise I would be a fat bastard in no time, seeking assurances by going to Florida for my holidays.

Don’t get me wrong, I couldn’t give a toss if someone is fat, thin, black or white, I have learnt to judge people on who they are, not what they are, but I am getting kind of bored of these talk shows on Radio 5 and the like, when fat people are moaning that they are big boned, or carry too much water, when in fact they are carrying too many chips. If you look at pictures from the War years of people queueing for rations or celebrating VE day you dont see any fat people, because there was no Stilton, there was no donuts, and there was no chocolate of any repute.

I know the only way I am going to get to my “target weight” of 11 stone is if I give up beer, Stilton, and the odd Sunday fry up, and revert to muesli, rice, water and twenty laps of Hatch Warren a day. That is not going to happen, I have already given up nicotine, I need some enjoyment in life, but I know if I can visit the Gym for an hour or so every other day I can maintain twelve stone which isn’t so bad.

If you are like me and you are not particularly overweight but a bit concerned by how you are perceived, just keep an ear out for words like cuddly, stout and stocky, they are an early warning. If you are a bit of a fatty, either enjoy it and keep shovelling the food and beer down, or do something about it, just don’t give us all that big boned bollocks on chat shows and phone ins. It’s a load of nonsense and you know it.

Right, now for a bacon butty………………”Make that extra thick white bread mate….none of that granary nonsense”