I went to my first football match of the season on Saturday which resulted in a rather deflating defeat. It was also my first game back as a season ticket holder having ducked out last season, and a quirky reminder of what odd looking people go along to watch their local team. You have to assume that judging by their physique, they have never played football, and that the supporting of a team gives a sense of belonging, and a hobby similar to train spotting, or an even weirder one I saw lately, plane spotting at Heathrow.

It is safe to say that all football fans suffer some kind of autism related illness which ranges from pretty severe, to mild and essentially unnoticed. If I take myself for example, I can quite rapidly recall by year, goalscorers in certain games, cup runs, promotions and relegation’s. I can also still see in my minds eye most of the stadiums I have visited, and I can certainly remember all the ones I have not. I have always been a sucker for statistics, and as a child I loved football league tables, cricket averages, and a knowledge of freshwater fish, weather patterns, and bird life (feathered). However I can honestly say that I have never reached a point where I spent the afternoon in a raincoat at Basingstoke station counting trains and eating lemon curd sandwiches.

I suppose what happens is that us “normal people” mix with different peer groups as the years pass by and our interests and knowledge broaden as we go in to the workplace, meet partners, and have children. Most people who have worked at various organisations or studied at universities have had direct or indirect communication with thousands of people all with different hobbies and quirks, so they have become socially adaptable, but what happens to the ones who are socially inadequate, where can they go alone, without hassle, to study statistics for 90 minutes or more? WHY FOOTBALL OF COURSE!!!

Think about it, for someone with autistic tendencies it is a salivating prospect, they can count corners, free kicks, throw ins, offsides, yellow cards, red cards, territorial possession, and of course, goals. A look in the programmes that they have collected religiously since 1970 will give details of previous attendances, player appearances, league tables and results. It is riveting stuff for an overweight misfit with a sweat gland problem who would otherwise be masturbating under his raincoat as the Paddington to Bristol Parkway train fizzed through Reading Central.

So the next time you are at a football match and you see one of these strange types, just leave them in peace in their own little world of statistics and numbers, because football is unwittingly doing society a huge public service by keeping them entertained when they might otherwise be busily building up a catalogue of minor sexual offences. Better off out of harms way at Reading FC rather than building up a spreadsheet of different parks he has flashed in, or aeroplanes masturbated at, I can almost see it on Microsoft XL

Type Of Plane Sort: Boeing 747
Departing Airport: Heathrow
Destination: Kualar Lumpar
Clothing: Elasticated Sunday Express Slacks, Hi Tec Trainers, Rain Coat
Food: Bovril, Marmalade sandwiches in Tupperware box
Outcome: Arrested for masturbating in public

For the record Reading scored once had 53% possession, 5 shots on target, 12 off target, 9 corners 4 fouls and no yellow or red cards……………………must crack on now, the Waterloo to Crewkerne train is just about to pass through Basingstoke and I cant find my bloody raincoat anywhere!!!!!