I went to a Picnic at Diane’s kids school onSaturday, and all was well until I was coaxed in to taking parting in a tug of war challenge bare footed and in the afternoon heat (that’s me at the front, the one who looks like he is having a stroke and a shit at the same time). Little did I know the consequences of this would be a calf strain, a bruised toe, and a stiff neck. God alone knows what I have done to my shoulder and ribs, in fact the whole right side of my body is in tatters!

This got me to thinking, and realising, that there is only a small window in our lives when we are physically able to take on most strenuous tasks comfortably with strong powers of recovery, this being our twenties or perhaps early thirties. Expert opinion is that we (men) peak at around 28, and maintain that until perhaps 35, before we start tailing away in to life of bald or grey heads, pot bellies, unexplained nasal and ear lobe hair, and whingeing BLOGS. The only thing that stays 28 years old are our deluded brains that convince us that we are still capable of running rings round young whippersnappers on the football pitch. This normally results in serious cruciate ligament surgery, severe sciatica or in extreme cases, heart failure.

When we are born we are ugly, despite what our Mum’s may say we look like a cross between Winston Churchill and an alien. I saw a baby the other day in a pub garden that was so alien like it was incredible yet these women were all over the odd looking thing, lying profusely about it’s apparent cuteness. My own oldest son had an alarming lop sided head for about six months before it straightened out, it took 9 long months I finally found him cute. This is the same for most babies, they are never cute when first born in my opinion. We then remain cute for a few years, but we are on the whole, parent dependent, and vulnerable to getting run over, falling out of trees, getting chicken pocks, we are toughening up, but still pretty weak physically.

Adolescence soon follows, and with it comes the ability to make grunting noises instead of speaking, hair that looks like it has been in a chip pan, custard spots, a slouchy walk, and an ability to get out of bed four seconds before it is time for school. The cuteness is a distant memory, as is the ability to even acknowledge our parents, god forbid be seen with them. This lasts until about 18 or 19 when we at last speak to our parents again and begin to fend for ourselves, we are now, at last, becoming better looking, stronger, fitter and most importantly, attractive to women.

So what do we do with this new found state of clean skin, thick healthy hair and toned bodies? Why we get pissed and take soft drugs of course, what else is there to with two healthy organs that have the ability to fight back whatever we throw at it. Yes, because the majority of us aren’t athletes we spend these heady years of health………………… being unhealthy, how mad is that? We have a little window of perhaps 10-15 years where we are pretty much indestructible and we abuse ourselves, but hey it is good fun while it lasts.

At 42, I still thought I was quite fit until Saturday, I am obviously not, and I have noticed recently that I even get tired playing golf if I don’t eat bananas and take on a lot of drink, whilst a late night party or a heavy weekend can take until Wednesday to fight off the after effects……….I fear it wont be long before I get my first pair of elasticated nylon slacks from the Express Sunday Supplement!?!!?!! ?