After 1021 days, 853 Qualifiers, 2,344 goals, and 75 sacked managers, The World Cup is underway, and as I write this blog The South Africans, or The Bafana Bafana as we are going to get used to calling them, are leading Mexico with a spectacular goal from the brilliantly named Tshabalala, leading to our first and in no way the last commentator cliche with:”If that had been scored Brazil we would have been talking about it all night.”

Honda have already laid claim to most annoying advert of The World Cup with their pathetic effort with two cars bedecked in Brazil and Argentina colours fighting out an epic match. Mark my words, you will detest this advert nearly as much as the constant blowing of horns in the stadiums by the end of the tournament. But maybe not as much as commentators who will come out with cliche after cliche about the volatile Uruguayans, the unpredictable French, the Greeks in need of a boost after the collapse of their economy, The repressed North Koreans, and the Brazilians playing football like they were on the beaches of Rio…………Oh Mexico have scored……… at least that stopped those fucking horns for five seconds.

England, if you are reading this on Mars, kick off tomorrow against the USA which will be billed as a game between “Great allies off the pitch who must now be enemies on it”. To be fair to Oil giant BP, they have at least tried to stoke up the atmostphere by cutting a hole through a pipeline off the the Gulf of Mexico, with Obama adding his personal touch by declaring he wants to “Kick Ass.” The Americans are no fools in their football knowledge nowadays, with Karate star Jackie Chan predicting World Cup glory for Inter Milan or Barcelona. Quite.

Anyway, enjoy the World Cup wherever you are, it is a spectacular occasion, the first brilliant match has just finished 1-1, and there will be more to come, with tears, heroes, villains, penalty shoot outs, and spectacular goals, and if you can cope with John Motson spunking all over the studio every time, Messi, Ronaldo, or Kaka touch the ball you are in for treat, and as for England who knows what will happen. A heroic and tearful latter stage defeat is the norm, but there is something about them this time that makes me think that…………stop it Bob, you are being silly.

If you hate Football, go to Milletts buy yourself a two man tent, and piss off to the Scottish highlands, it’s your only option as the World Cup will dominate TV, radio, and Newspapers for the next five weeks. As we are playing the USA tomorrow, I will coin a Wanky Yanky phrase……………. “BRING IT ON”

COME ON ENGLAND!!!!