Blimey what a 12 hours I have just had, a stomach bug has ripped through me with alarming speed and unpleasant consequences. It kind of started with a couple unusual stabbing pains yesterday afternoon which I ignored to the point that I played a full part without alarm, in an impromptu social gathering at Di’s last night involving wine and take away pizzas from the local restaurant.

I went to bed at about 11.00pm and awoke in a panic at 12.05am bent double with excruciating pain and bizarre noises emulating from my stomach, what was going on? I then felt what I can only describe as a gurgling rushing of wind heading toward my lower bowels. I dashed for the toilet just getting there in time as my bottom exploded.

“Aarrrghh….bloody hell…………ouch…………..aaaarghh” What the hell was going on? I tried to compose myself with short breaths, then off it went again, Jesus Christ, someone help me. I was now soaked with sweat and the veins in my temples were throbbing, it was coming in waves, every time I thought my ordeal was over, another searing pain followed by what felt like someone bursting a balloon filled with water up my anus, a nightmare.”

Where was Diane during this anal torture I hear you cry. She was asleep, but eventually rose semi conscious and banged on the door.
“Are you okay in there Bob”
“Of course I’m bloody not……. aaaarrrggh….aarrgh, oh my god what’s happening”
“Oh dear is there anything I can do?”
“Yes get me a cork…………aaargh”
“If you come back up, don’t shit in the boxes under bed please”
“WHAT?”
“Don’t shit in the boxes under the bed!!!”

Oh great, she was on a white wine induced sleepwalking trip, that’s all I needed. Fortunately she pissed off back to bed and left me to die in peace, but unbelievably it was about to get worse.

May I revert back to the beginning of this blog where I mentioned Pizza? Well, to literally add a bit of spice to the occasion, I ordered the extra hot Peperoni complete with chopped green chili, and it was about to pass them through my now tattered outer anus region.

“Aaaaaaargh…………………….fucking hell…………………aaaargh……………” I was now screaming. This was utter misery of the highest order, would it ever stop, I couldn’t take much more. Finally, at 4.10am I tentatively raised myself from the overworked toilet, the birds were singing outside, and the dawn light was cascading through the windows. A brief look in the mirror saw me looking at a ghostly man who was the shadow of his former self, I had almost shit myself transparent. I waddled bowlegged back to the bedroom, a bit like John Wayne after an arduous day on horseback and fell fitfully to sleep next to an oblivious Diane.

It is now 1.10pm on Friday and I am still having problems, though seemingly more sporadically. However, I just don’t know when to attempt to eat, I am absolutely starving and feeling rather feint.