How crass can estate agents get? I recieved a flyer in the post the other day, which I originally thought was a joke from one of my mates to drive me insane, but it wasn’t it was actually written as a genuine attempt to convince me that Connells are fucking great, and should I dare use another agency if I was thinking about selling a house I bought three months ago, I would be a fool to myself.

Read the Correspondence below, it is long winded but stick with it, it is remarkable stuff.

Dear Sir/Madam

I have written to you previously, and do not appear to have a response from you.

I have attached a testimonial from one of our many happy vendors, which I wanted to show you, and should you not be receiving this service from your current agent, the door at Connells will be open in 2010.

I hope this letter has not caused any intrusion and if our team vcan be of assistance to you either selling your current home or purchasing your next property, please contact me on 01256 398237 or 07900 495593

On behalf of Connells I trust you had a Merry Christmas and a peaceful New Year

Yours faithfully

Andrew Slimeball
Branch Manager

HERE IS THE TESTIMONIAL.

Dan and Gemma, Kempshott

After being on the property market for ten long weeks with another estate agent (one we had used on previous moves) we were beginning to wonder if we would ever sell our property. The previous estate agent had secured nearly thirty viewings all to no avail. Dan and myself needed to decide if we should continue to sell our property or just give up (Enter Connells, The Superheroes! )

Having seen our property on the market for some time, Andrew approached us and convinced us not to give up. He was 100% certain that Connells would be able to sell our property within a few weeks. Andrew offered us a very competitive rate and assured us he would get the right people through the door.

Being sceptical and previously let down, Dan and I hesitantly decided that maybe our local estate agent may actually be the right choice (great thinking! )

Within a few days Andrew had secured many viewings with only people that were actually interested in buying our property (good old Andrew).

Although the sale of our property did take a little longer than anticipated, Andrew and Ben worked incredibly hard and constantly kept in contact with Dan and myself discussing any feedback from viewings (heroic stuff Andrew & Ben, well done you).

Andrew and Ben also proved invaluable when we were searching for a suitable property (now there’s a thing). We found a property which we we loved shortly after the sale of our property (these guys are just too good!!). We placed an offer at the very top end of our budget. When this was rejected Ben suggested we come into the shop to speak to Dax, Connells mortgage advisor (the saviour has arisen!). This meeting proved very successful as (low and behold) Dax found us a better mortgage than we had previously been quoted enabling us to offer a higher amount on the property we loved. This offer, thankfully, was accepted! We are now very much looking forward to moving in to the new house of our dreams (stop, stop, I am welling up!).

Connells have proved to us that estate agents can be honest, reliable and hard working (of course they can you fools). They persevered not only with the sale of our property but with finding us the property of our dreams. If we decide to move again (what from the house of your dreams?), thanks to the hard work of Andrew and Ben, Connells will definiely be our first port of call.

Dan and I would like to take this opportunity to thank Andrew, Ben and anyone else who was involved with the sale of our property.

My Response:

To all at Connells,

Thank you for your recent letter, I must apologise for not responding to your letter explaining that you are the best estate agents in the world. This may be something to do with the fact that I have only lived in this house for three months, having secured the purchase through Barons Estate agents in town. However if I was selling, or buying a property, I still would not have responded to such a patronising vomit inducing pile of shit.

If you can remember correctly, you tried to sell me a house in Beggarwood recently. It was on the market at £190k but you assured me, without asking the seller of the property, that you could get me the property at £180k. However there was a catch. If I wanted to buy the house I would have to get a mortgage through Dax, your superbly talented financial advisor, or the deal was not possible. Shockingly you also had the audacity to query whether I had the finances in place to buy a property.

It was at this point, that I (correctly in my opinion) told you to fuck off, and took my search for a property elsewhere (Barons). Barons couldn’t care less where I had got my mortgage from, their only interest was selling the house as quickly as possible at what was deemed fair price to both parties. In laymens terms, they did what I asked of them, and left me alone to make my own decisions. The deal was tied up in a matter of weeks, as I was in effect a cash buyer with mortgages all in place, an ideal client for most estate agents apart from Connells. A simple bit of business done and dusted to the satisfaction of all parties was the outcome.

I am genuinely pleased that Gemma and Dan got the home of their dreams by increasing their offer after getting a mortgage through Dax, and delighted for you also, as you must have been literally dancing in the street after securing not only a higher price, but mortgage comission from the brilliant work you carried out by bravely, some would say heroically, taking on the property when Dan and Gemma were at breaking point with the other, quite frankly, hopeless agents in Basingstoke. They must have been crying with joy when they at last found an honest, hard working agents like Connells to rescue them from the misery the other nameless agents had bestowed upon them.

The list of awards at the bottom of your page is somewhat impressive, with awards in 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008 (did anyone else enter?). Sadly, it appears that no awards appeared in 2009 which must have been a terrible blow after you have worked so hard perfecting your egotistical, arrogant, and patronising manner to your clients. However, I would like to console you by announcing that if their had been an award for “Biggest Tossers In Town” you would have got my vote.

I have told as many people as I can about the level of your service, and I will continue to do so, so please omit my name and address from your marketing list, and never darken my doorstep again.

Kind regards

Bob Lethaby