I stupidly picked up a phone call from my Dad whilst driving the other night, in doing so I clipped a curb. Right behind me police car……bugger, it’s a fair cop, I was wrong 3 points and £60 fine on the way………..idiot!!

I pulled over accepting my fate, and before I had even opened my door, this guy was all over me.

“HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?”

“No”

“YOU WERE DRIVING LIKE YOU WERE DRUNK, HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?”

“No nothing at all, sorry, I shouldn’t have picked up the phone, but I am not drunk.

“You don’t smell of drink, hower I am cautioning you for talking on the phone whilst driving.

“You do not have to say anything but if you do etc etc

As we sat in my car filling out various forms it started dawning on the Policeman that I was no harm to anyone, I had accepted my wrongdoing, and spoken to him politely (hoping I might get a let off) and I was openly candid about my error (grovelling a bit). When you have done something wrong, in my opinion, humbleness is the best way of gaining any leniency and it was then he started being friendly. “Merc E270 nice, hope your girlfriend doesn’t ring me up moaning that your dinner is burnt, shocking weather etc etc.

Sorry mate, too late, respect gone, you were an aggressor, piling in to my personal space without question, antagonising me in to making cocky answers (God it was tempting) and spoiling for trouble for no reason. I am sorry I wasn’t pissed, (it would have been a right result for you on the 1st December) I am sorry I didn’t call you piggy wiggy, and I am sorry my car was taxed, insured, and owned by me. When I clipped that curb I am sure you were salivating at a car chase with a drunk driver in a nicked car, and I can understand what a let down and an anti climax I must have been, but it’s not my fault I am a boring citizen who made a basic error.

I have a tip for the Police, when you stop someone for an offence, be nice, explain the law in laymens terms, and be almost apologetic if it is a petty offence. Then…………….then……….if you find out the driver is a thief, a drug dealer, or a pikey, do what you want, batter the shit out of them “Ashes to Ashes” style for all I care. I dont like them either.

Law abiding taxpayers pay The Police wages, therefore they are a customer of the Police, and they are paying the Police to protect society from crime. Civilians should, in the instance of petty driving offences, be treated like a customer, and politely reminded of the potential dangers of their actions. Decent civilians should not be shouted at, antagonised, and made to feel intimidated, otherwise there will never be respect for the Police and the good work they do will count for nothing.

Or may be that’s just how the Police want it to be.

POLICE ON MY BACK SONG AND LYRICS